Even Man-Things Get Pished...

It's typical the one night he leaves his post at the Nexus Of All Realities to nip down to the Citrusville Arms for a few dozen beers is the self-same night the Macabre Man-Thing runs into the one dreaded enemy even he cannot conquer...

...Stairs.

Geez Manny, that's lame. Even the Daleks figured a way around that one.

(Today's ambulatory assholery was brought to you by Steve Gerber's classic Giant Size Man-Thing #5 wherein a crazy witch chick and her cult attempt to burn an stab a little baby in her downtown Citrusville apartment while the Man-Thing is down in the lobby trying to figure out how to work the elevator.)

Sweet Christmas, This Post Has A Kriss Kross Reference...

Regular readers will know that we here at YouAreComic have big respect for classic Marvel monkey villain The Mandrill. Mainly for his pheromone-based super-power of 'picking up chicks' and for his unrivaled skill at giving teams of minions awesome names. In his case using said 'picked-up-chicks' as his criminal gang and calling them 'The Femme Force'.

Personally I though that was top notch in minion assembling and naming - there's no doing it better than Manny.

Then I encountered Sweetstick Max.

Sweetstick is the arch nemesis of the best character ever to come out of Icon, the thoroughly awesome and under-rated Dwayne McDuffie series from DC's Milestone imprint: Buck Wild - The Mercenary Man.

Sweet Christmas, dude looks sharp in that styling headband\yellow shirt combo!

The eagle-eyed among you may recognise Buck Wild as thinly-veiled piss-take of Marvel's very own Hero for Hire Luke Cage. 

That in itself would be awesome enough, but the man who used the phrase 'Where's My Money Honey' to Doctor Doom didn't have a villain in his entire rogue's gallery that could come close to touching the awesomeness of:

Aunt Jemima's Do Rag! It's Sweetstick Max and His Ho Hordes

That's right folks, as awesome as it would be to have a 'Femme Force' aiding you in your criminal deeds, it's nothing to how slammin' it would be to have 'Ho Hordes' to fight your battles.

Sweetstick is not just the super-fly, pimped-out, daddy mack of super-villainy you see above - oh no. He goes deeper than that baby. You manhandle his ladies and you can bet your ass there'll be hell to pay:

'Hands Offa My Hoes!'. Seriously folks, I almost pissed myself laughing when I read that one.

Why are you still sitting here reading this? Why have you not already run out and picked up this book? What is wrong with you people - dude has Ho Hordes for crying out loud!

Icon #22 people. If you don't own it you're wickedy wickedy wickedy wack!

(Today's appalling disrespect for hoochie mamas everywhere was brought to you by Icon #22 by the late, great Dwayne McDuffie & M.D. Bright, wherein the phrase Sho' Nuff is used more than in any other comic in the entire history of the industry. Word to your mother.)

Eye Love the L.E.G.I.O.N....

Let's talk L.E.G.I.O.N. - a totally fantastic series. You may have missed it as a lot of people did - intimidated by it's imagined ties to the sprawling Legion of Super-Heroes mythos. In reality, the two series come across as being only tangentially linked at best. I was reading this series while mired in that great Paul Levitz Legion run- with the Sensor Girl mystery, one of Karate Kid's many tragic deaths, Quislet, Wildfire's new body - all that good stuff. In the midst of the Legion minutiae, the L.E.G.I.O.N. issues were a total breath of fresh air. Not only is it a series with a totally unique feel, it's also the dream team of Keith Giffen, Alan Grant and Barry Kitson firing on all cylinders.

There were two things that made L.E.GI.O.N. feel so refreshing and original.

One was the twists. This was a series packed to bursting with unexpected turns, surprising occurrences and sudden reversals. Every issue kept you guessing. From the Durlan's abrupt, early disappearance, to Strata's gender revelations, to Stealth and Vril Dox's sudden, violent bumping of uglies (and the gross, 'chick-turns-inside-out', alien childbirth that results from it) you really got the feeling that anything could happen at any moment.

The second thing was the characters. With only a few minor exceptions they were all such bastards. Compelling, interesting, often likeable....but still bastards. Giffen, Grant and Kitson really outdid themselves with the creeps and freaks that populated this series. Obviously there's the cunning, cold-fish, son-of-a-Brainiac Vril Dox; the often annoying but never dull Lobo; the crazy alien date rapist\black widow chick Stealth and the focus of L.E.G.I.O.N.#13 himself: Garryn Bek.

Wolverine and Kid called. They want their hair back.

L.E.G.I.O.N. #13 is a major turning point in the life of the team's resident loser and all round whiny bitch Garryn Bek. Up until now we've seen Garryn moan, winge, whine, complain, be mean to his chunky wife Mar'yn, then winge, whine and moan some more. It's hardly surprising that a few issues back Vril Dox sent Garryn off to answer some out of the way distress call.

Garryn's been in touch intermittently since Vril sent him away, each time more incoherent than the last (at least incoherent is better than whiny). This issue is Garryn's explosive homecoming. I have to admit, at first sight, seeing Garryn coming back elicited only a groan of 'aww man!' from yours truly.

However this Garryn Bek was a changed man. He was sporting a few weeks worth of stubble and a  new attitude that ranged from utter confusion to weepy remorse to badass Frank-Castle-esque confidence to cosmically powered hissy fits! The aforementioned hissy fits backed by the awesome power of his new best pal - - the Emerald Eye of Ekron!!!

Any Legion aficionados out there, and even some 52 readers, may grasp how that warrants triple exclamation marks. To the rest of you we're essentially talking about a floating eyeball that shoots green laser beams at dudes.

Come on admit it, even if you don't know shit about Legion that's pretty awesome in itself. Am I right?

Eye Eye Eye!

I should also point out that this chaotic bout of cosmic fist-eye-cuffs is immediately preceded by Garryn and his pal ogling the shit out of rocky powerhouse Strata and Lobo, then is immediately followed by them giving team smarty-pantses Phase and Lyrissa Mallor a good looking at. That's a lot of ass kicking for the normally pathetic Mr Bek and it clears his path to his real target - Vril Dox.

Bursting into Dox's private quarters all storm and fury we readers are drooling with anticipation of the immense, much deserved, green-death-ray-flavoured comeuppance that is about to be rained down on Dox's cocky ass.

That's when those sneaky snooks Grant and Kitson pull the rug out from under us with one of their patented unexpected twists.

I'm not crying. I've got something in my eye!

After a dozen pages of Bek kicking ass and taking names, this move completely takes us off-guard. It adds a compelling new aspect to the suddenly uber-poweful Garryn Bek and just further compounds the air of malevolent manipulator that has already built up around Dox. To you and I that's totally masterful story-telling, but to Kitson and Grant it's just another day at the office.

I can't recommend L.E.GI.O.N. enough it kept me guessing and loving it throughout it's entire run (it got warped into R.E.B.E.L.S. after Zero Hour). So if  evil green geniuses with Eminem looking hair is your thing or if you have a hankering for stories involving space-faring losers sporting high-top fades and floating cosmically powered eyeballs or, hey, if you just love bastards - - you need to hustle your buns down to your nearest comic book emporium and pick up this series...

..and when you get there tell them Eye sent you.

Man, those ocular puns get old fast don't they?

Hercules Needs Some Pants...

For a super-hero an effective battle-cry is almost as important as a snazzy, nipple-hugging spandex outfit.

I mean you never know, you could be going charging into battle alongside such crime-fighting luminaries as Superman, Thor and Namor!

You want your battle-cry to stand proud side by side against such classics as 'Up, Up And Away', 'For Asgard', 'Imperius Rex' and 'Spider-Friends, Go For It!'.

But let's face it, nobody is topping the one that newbie super-hero Gravity came up with:

'Pants Over Here' - you know Cap is swiping that one for next time the Avengers are storming Kang's fortress.

(Today's pants-related prose is brought to you by Amazing Spider-man #673 by Dan Slott & Stefano Caselli. This issue opens with the entire population of Manhattan waking up naked. Except for Firestar......dammit!)

Stranger Than Fiction...

Hello loyal readers, we're back and we're going to talk about Strangers #5. This little series was something of a hidden gem back the 90s (as were many of the series from the much-maligned but fondly remembered diamond in the rough publisher Malibu). For those of you who rode the Malibu wave that was kicked off by totally rad TV spots like this and this you may remember Strangers #5 as the 'team member comes out of the closet' issue.

Then again you may not, because you see unlike other similar issues from other publishers the Strangers creative team of Steve Englehart and Rick Hoberg handle it with skill and elegance. The 'coming out' portion of the story is small, low-key and completely natural. It's treated as a reveal just like any other in our 'getting to know you' journey with these characters.

Let me break it down for you. Multi-coloured Human-Torchy dude Spectral skips out on the rest of the team at the start of the issue to run an 'errand'. Said errand turns out to be visiting a friend in hospital who is dying of Aids. Spectral figures his newly discovered healing powers might be able to do something to help.

When Spectral arrives late to a Strangers emergency call he explains where he has been. That's when resident team loud-mouth, jock, jerk-wad Grenade susses out the situation and lets the cat out of the bag...or in this case - out of the closet:

That's beautiful man *wipes tear*

No variant, gatefold covers, no mainstream media coverage, no double page spreads by the hot-shot artist of the month - just the sincere, heartfelt condolences of a misogynist jerk-ass that proves we can 'all just get along'. Hats off to the always sterling Steve Englehart, for showing how it should be done.

However I know some of my loyal YouAreComic readers out there aren't into all this deep, emotional touchy-feely crap.You want explosions and dudes in tights punching other dudes in tights through skyscrapers.

Don't worry baby, Strangers #5 has a little something for you too - like say a 30 foot tall, super-powered, monster rastafarian who happens to be made of cancer for example. Behold Deathwish:

Geez Charles Bronson has really let himself go hasn't he?

This issue, and the Strangers in general, are a pretty good yardstick for Malibu's Ultraverse universe as a whole. Every book was this sort of weird dichotomy. One the one hand you had some absolutely fantastic, fresh and original high concepts (Six 'strangers' on a cable car are struck with a bolt of alien energy that gives them super-powers) and on the other hand you had some of the oddest, clunkiest character creation decisions this side of Talky Tawny (alongside the thoroughly great Spectral, Grenade and awesomely named Atom Bob the Strangers roster also boasted Lady Killer: a ninja fashion designer with complete mastery over....cloth, Zip-Zap: a teenage, backward-baseball-cap-sporting home-boy with street lingo cribbed from Vanilla Ice and last but not least Electrocute: a sex-robot gifted with the super-human power to think and feel.)

Oh You, Tee Hee Hee

It just seemed that everything Malibu produced, from characters to stories, were equal parts awesome and clunky as hell (with the exception of Barry Windsor Smith's mind-blowing Rune).

That being said I loved them all. From Strangers to Prime, from Hardcase to Manta, from Night-man to the Solution. There is something to enjoy in every single one of those series -  be it the sweet Norm Breyfogle art  in Prime or the far too rare joy of Steve Gerber scripts in Sludge. 

These books hold a special warm place in my heart (right next to the cockles) and I've had a blast re-reading a whole mountain of them during my blogging break.

'We want to have a blast too' I hear you say. 

Well then loyal Y.A.C. readers- let me here the cry: Comic Book Store! Let's Go!

Ah 90s, what were you thinking?

Tyler Stone Says...

So an angry Roman Centurion has just broken into your office and started throwing his brush-headed weight around, what do you do?

Well dudes who dress as Roman Centurions in the year 2099 have notoriously  fragile egos, fail to act as impressed as they would like, and often things can get descend quickly into tantrum-town...

Handy Hint: It's always nice to compliment angry office crashers on their lovely hats.

(Today's snappy dressing was expertly styled by Peter David and Rick Leonardi's criminally under-rated Spider-man 2099 #12 wherein Miguel O Hara gets cock-blocked by a giant laser-gun toting Roman Centurion before accidentally freeing Michael Flatley from the Negative Zone. Thanks at lot Miggy!)

D.I.R. - A Shameful Blight On The Comic Book Industry....

So Women In Refrigerators did a great job of raising awareness about the distressing widespread mistreatment of female characters in the comic-book industry.

But what about that other much maligned minority of the four-colour community...

The Dolphins! The Dolphins!

Won't somebody please, think of the dolphins?

(Today's aquatic decapitation was brought to you by the good folks at L.E.G.I.O.N. '91 #33 by Alan Grant & Barry Kitson. This issue features Vril Dox, the son of Brainiac, asking for fashion advice from a chick dressed in a white leather turtle neck and spandex pants. I guess the brains part of the whole Brainiac thing skips a generation).

BLACK ARTIE IS GO!!

Hey loyal YouAreComic readers. At long last the second official YouAreComic webcomic BLACK ARTIE has launched (as of of last night) at ComicFury.

Here's a sneaky peek:

Now head on over to http://blackartie.thecomicseries.com/ to check out the rest of the first 3 page installment - then come back on the last Wednesday of every month for 3 more pages.

Comments, comments, comments...we are comment-hounds. So be sure to leave us one letting us know what you think.

(Incidentally apologies for the long delay on posts on the trusty YouAreComic blog just recently. I've been busy helping my wife look after our brand new bouncing baby boy. YouAreComic will be back as soon as I dig my way out from under this mountain of stinky nappies!)


Nuff Said.

YouAreComic In Print Yet Again...

That's right folks. Some damn fool has been crazy enough to print another strip by the crazy crew at YouAreComic in their magazine and release it to unsuspecting comic readers everywhere:

ZARJAZ #16 features a 3 page strip called 'DOCTOR MAYBE'S MUSEUM OF DEATH'. It stars 2000AD's favorite gun-toting rogues Sinister Dexter and was  written by yours truly. The stellar artwork comes courtesy of very talented Chris Askham with lettering by the Zarjaz stalwart Bolt-01.

Care for a sneaky peek:

Scamper out to your local comic shop or over to Futurequake HQ and snag yourself a copy.

Valkyrie...

...is not a twi-hard!

(Today's nosferatu naseua is brought to you by the thoroughly enjoyable Fear Itself: The Fearless #3. by Cullen Bunn, Paul Pelletier & Mark Bagley wherein we learn that Valkyrie is almost certainly not on Team Edward and that besides garlic, crosses and holy water 'eating Ant-Man' is also bad for a vampire's health).