30th Century Love...

I can't believe I banged on and on in that last post how about how awesome the new Peter 'Starlord' Quill led Guardians of the Galaxy are. Not once did I mention the original Guardians and the true bastion of awesomeness that they were.

I'm not going back on anything I said about how great the new Guardians are, but the original Guardians of the Galaxy were my comic-book one true loves.

I mean there was Starhawk and Aleta swapping the freaky-deaky 'one who knows' powers, there was Savage Dragon looking Yondu, his alien religion and his bow and arrow that could be controlled by yodelling, there was the 30th Century Sorcerer Supreme, Krugarr who was a great big snake and then there was Vance Astro.

That's right baby. Vance freaking Astro.

If there was ever a better star-faring hero name created I haven't heard it. Though it wasn't just Vance's name that was cool. He also was the 30th Century wielder of not only Captain America's shield but the Venom symbiote too. Incidentally when he were a lad, he was Justice of the New Warriors.

That's fricking awesome man! You can't beat that.

Well unless you count the time this happened:

Yep, that's right, your eyes aren't deceiving you. That's Doctor Doom cutting off his armour with adamantium claws to reveal that underneath his cloak and armour he's just Doom's brain implanted in Wolverine's indestructible skeleton!

The 30th Century is fucked up!

Why the hell are you still here dude? Those back issue bins aren't going to raid themselves.

Avengers Assemble..Y'know Like The Movie?

I've been catching up on all of the early Marvel Now stuff recently. I have to admit going in I didn't hold out much hope for the quality of Avengers Assemble as a title. A line-up to match the movie line-up? It felt a little too much like an attempted merchandising ploy to me. The first chunk of the first arc did little to convince me otherwise either. I mean interplay between the characters is Bendis bread and butter - but Zodiac versus the Avengers? Really? Thor against a dude with the power of a goat? Hulk against a dude who does whatever a crab can? I was somewhat underwhelmed.

Then came Avengers Assemble #7.

This issue was custom built for the good folks here at YouAreComic.

First up it's got Thanos. Let me tell you folks, if you put Thanos in your book - I'm buying it. I don't care who else is in it - I don't care what the hell it's about. It could be about some sweaty, vine-swinging long-haired freak in a loin-cloth and his pet kitty cat. Stick Ol' Purple Puss in it somewhere and you've got yourself a sale. Ask Mark Waid - he'll tell you!

Avengers Assemble #7 goes one better though. It not only has Thanos. It has Thanos toting a cosmic cube! I love cosmic cubes. Provided they're not wielded by the Red 'Let's recreate yet another wacky version of Nazi Germany!!' Skull or turning into the mullet-sporting Beyonder those things are awesome.

Much like this scene which occurs exactly one page into this issue:

Why Thanos, is that a cosmic cube in your pocket or are you just pleased to see us?

The Stranger, the Elders of the Universe and the In-Betweener - oh my! I don't think we've seen a cosmic congregation quite as awesome as this since Jim Starlin was bending our minds with his various Infinity whosits and whatsits.

In true Thanos meets the cosmic heavy-weights tradition a split second after they arrived he's disintegrating their omnipotent asses with some cosmic cubey goodness. That's just good freaking comic-booking folks! Drink it in.

While you're drinking it in I'll point to another reason why Avenger Assemble #7 does the biz. Well actually it's six reasons...or to be more precise four reasons, a raccoon and a giant tree.

That's right people, this issue has a guest appearance by the Guardians of the Galaxy! I mean of course the new version of GotG - the motley crew led by Peter 'Starlord' Quill/ Y'know those guys who are soon to be brought to life on the silver screen through the medium of Vin Diesel on stilts!

I don't know what it is about these guys but every time they show up it's awesome. It doesn't matter what book or what creative team we're talking about -when Pete and the boys...and girl..and raccoon...and tree show up it's a blast. It's like the team dynamic originally set-up between these guys by Abnett & Lanning was so good that now they're bullet-proof. To creative team changes, to status quo changes, you name it - these guys remain awesome no matter what.

Check it out:

The characterisation and the interplay between these guys is always pitch perfect. When they put in an appearance it never fails to bring a smile to my face. Y'know what I mean? No? Seriously?

It can't just be me can it?

How can you not love the earnest, humble and somewhat makeshift leadership of Starlord? The sword-swinging, thigh-flashing, high-kicking acrobatics of the deadliest woman in the universe Gamora. The stabby-stabby, punchy-punchy, shouty-shouty of Drax the Destroyer and the license-retaining antics of Bug (from the frickin' Micronauts for pete's sake)?

C'mon you soul-less robots there's a laser-gun packing, smack-talking alien raccoon for cyring out loud! What's with you people?

Fine, if all that doesn't convince you, behold Groot:

Ah Groot. Everyone loves Groot. There's not even a question. A giant, walking, anthropomorphic tree, salvaged from the classic monster tales from back in Marvel's pre-spandex days? His best bud is the aforementioned bad-ass alien raccoon? He can only say 'I Am Groot'. What's not to love?

Ah, that's better, glad we're back on the same page. No-one can resist the allure of Groot.

Sadly in this issue Groot remains a sapling throughout. However in the next issue all the Groot fans in the audience are rewarded mightily for our patience:

He Is Groot.

So, there you have it. Avengers Assemble #7 - a tour de-force in comic-bookery. It's proof positive even a blatant, money-hungry corporate merchandising ploy can still be awesome if it's got a giant fighting tree and his raccoon buddy!

Oh I should mention - this issue also has some Avengers in it.

Enjoy.

Even Man-Things Get Pished...

It's typical the one night he leaves his post at the Nexus Of All Realities to nip down to the Citrusville Arms for a few dozen beers is the self-same night the Macabre Man-Thing runs into the one dreaded enemy even he cannot conquer...

...Stairs.

Geez Manny, that's lame. Even the Daleks figured a way around that one.

(Today's ambulatory assholery was brought to you by Steve Gerber's classic Giant Size Man-Thing #5 wherein a crazy witch chick and her cult attempt to burn an stab a little baby in her downtown Citrusville apartment while the Man-Thing is down in the lobby trying to figure out how to work the elevator.)

Sweet Christmas, This Post Has A Kriss Kross Reference...

Regular readers will know that we here at YouAreComic have big respect for classic Marvel monkey villain The Mandrill. Mainly for his pheromone-based super-power of 'picking up chicks' and for his unrivaled skill at giving teams of minions awesome names. In his case using said 'picked-up-chicks' as his criminal gang and calling them 'The Femme Force'.

Personally I though that was top notch in minion assembling and naming - there's no doing it better than Manny.

Then I encountered Sweetstick Max.

Sweetstick is the arch nemesis of the best character ever to come out of Icon, the thoroughly awesome and under-rated Dwayne McDuffie series from DC's Milestone imprint: Buck Wild - The Mercenary Man.

Sweet Christmas, dude looks sharp in that styling headband\yellow shirt combo!

The eagle-eyed among you may recognise Buck Wild as thinly-veiled piss-take of Marvel's very own Hero for Hire Luke Cage. 

That in itself would be awesome enough, but the man who used the phrase 'Where's My Money Honey' to Doctor Doom didn't have a villain in his entire rogue's gallery that could come close to touching the awesomeness of:

Aunt Jemima's Do Rag! It's Sweetstick Max and His Ho Hordes

That's right folks, as awesome as it would be to have a 'Femme Force' aiding you in your criminal deeds, it's nothing to how slammin' it would be to have 'Ho Hordes' to fight your battles.

Sweetstick is not just the super-fly, pimped-out, daddy mack of super-villainy you see above - oh no. He goes deeper than that baby. You manhandle his ladies and you can bet your ass there'll be hell to pay:

'Hands Offa My Hoes!'. Seriously folks, I almost pissed myself laughing when I read that one.

Why are you still sitting here reading this? Why have you not already run out and picked up this book? What is wrong with you people - dude has Ho Hordes for crying out loud!

Icon #22 people. If you don't own it you're wickedy wickedy wickedy wack!

(Today's appalling disrespect for hoochie mamas everywhere was brought to you by Icon #22 by the late, great Dwayne McDuffie & M.D. Bright, wherein the phrase Sho' Nuff is used more than in any other comic in the entire history of the industry. Word to your mother.)

Eye Love the L.E.G.I.O.N....

Let's talk L.E.G.I.O.N. - a totally fantastic series. You may have missed it as a lot of people did - intimidated by it's imagined ties to the sprawling Legion of Super-Heroes mythos. In reality, the two series come across as being only tangentially linked at best. I was reading this series while mired in that great Paul Levitz Legion run- with the Sensor Girl mystery, one of Karate Kid's many tragic deaths, Quislet, Wildfire's new body - all that good stuff. In the midst of the Legion minutiae, the L.E.G.I.O.N. issues were a total breath of fresh air. Not only is it a series with a totally unique feel, it's also the dream team of Keith Giffen, Alan Grant and Barry Kitson firing on all cylinders.

There were two things that made L.E.GI.O.N. feel so refreshing and original.

One was the twists. This was a series packed to bursting with unexpected turns, surprising occurrences and sudden reversals. Every issue kept you guessing. From the Durlan's abrupt, early disappearance, to Strata's gender revelations, to Stealth and Vril Dox's sudden, violent bumping of uglies (and the gross, 'chick-turns-inside-out', alien childbirth that results from it) you really got the feeling that anything could happen at any moment.

The second thing was the characters. With only a few minor exceptions they were all such bastards. Compelling, interesting, often likeable....but still bastards. Giffen, Grant and Kitson really outdid themselves with the creeps and freaks that populated this series. Obviously there's the cunning, cold-fish, son-of-a-Brainiac Vril Dox; the often annoying but never dull Lobo; the crazy alien date rapist\black widow chick Stealth and the focus of L.E.G.I.O.N.#13 himself: Garryn Bek.

Wolverine and Kid called. They want their hair back.

L.E.G.I.O.N. #13 is a major turning point in the life of the team's resident loser and all round whiny bitch Garryn Bek. Up until now we've seen Garryn moan, winge, whine, complain, be mean to his chunky wife Mar'yn, then winge, whine and moan some more. It's hardly surprising that a few issues back Vril Dox sent Garryn off to answer some out of the way distress call.

Garryn's been in touch intermittently since Vril sent him away, each time more incoherent than the last (at least incoherent is better than whiny). This issue is Garryn's explosive homecoming. I have to admit, at first sight, seeing Garryn coming back elicited only a groan of 'aww man!' from yours truly.

However this Garryn Bek was a changed man. He was sporting a few weeks worth of stubble and a  new attitude that ranged from utter confusion to weepy remorse to badass Frank-Castle-esque confidence to cosmically powered hissy fits! The aforementioned hissy fits backed by the awesome power of his new best pal - - the Emerald Eye of Ekron!!!

Any Legion aficionados out there, and even some 52 readers, may grasp how that warrants triple exclamation marks. To the rest of you we're essentially talking about a floating eyeball that shoots green laser beams at dudes.

Come on admit it, even if you don't know shit about Legion that's pretty awesome in itself. Am I right?

Eye Eye Eye!

I should also point out that this chaotic bout of cosmic fist-eye-cuffs is immediately preceded by Garryn and his pal ogling the shit out of rocky powerhouse Strata and Lobo, then is immediately followed by them giving team smarty-pantses Phase and Lyrissa Mallor a good looking at. That's a lot of ass kicking for the normally pathetic Mr Bek and it clears his path to his real target - Vril Dox.

Bursting into Dox's private quarters all storm and fury we readers are drooling with anticipation of the immense, much deserved, green-death-ray-flavoured comeuppance that is about to be rained down on Dox's cocky ass.

That's when those sneaky snooks Grant and Kitson pull the rug out from under us with one of their patented unexpected twists.

I'm not crying. I've got something in my eye!

After a dozen pages of Bek kicking ass and taking names, this move completely takes us off-guard. It adds a compelling new aspect to the suddenly uber-poweful Garryn Bek and just further compounds the air of malevolent manipulator that has already built up around Dox. To you and I that's totally masterful story-telling, but to Kitson and Grant it's just another day at the office.

I can't recommend L.E.GI.O.N. enough it kept me guessing and loving it throughout it's entire run (it got warped into R.E.B.E.L.S. after Zero Hour). So if  evil green geniuses with Eminem looking hair is your thing or if you have a hankering for stories involving space-faring losers sporting high-top fades and floating cosmically powered eyeballs or, hey, if you just love bastards - - you need to hustle your buns down to your nearest comic book emporium and pick up this series...

..and when you get there tell them Eye sent you.

Man, those ocular puns get old fast don't they?

Hercules Needs Some Pants...

For a super-hero an effective battle-cry is almost as important as a snazzy, nipple-hugging spandex outfit.

I mean you never know, you could be going charging into battle alongside such crime-fighting luminaries as Superman, Thor and Namor!

You want your battle-cry to stand proud side by side against such classics as 'Up, Up And Away', 'For Asgard', 'Imperius Rex' and 'Spider-Friends, Go For It!'.

But let's face it, nobody is topping the one that newbie super-hero Gravity came up with:

'Pants Over Here' - you know Cap is swiping that one for next time the Avengers are storming Kang's fortress.

(Today's pants-related prose is brought to you by Amazing Spider-man #673 by Dan Slott & Stefano Caselli. This issue opens with the entire population of Manhattan waking up naked. Except for Firestar......dammit!)

Stranger Than Fiction...

Hello loyal readers, we're back and we're going to talk about Strangers #5. This little series was something of a hidden gem back the 90s (as were many of the series from the much-maligned but fondly remembered diamond in the rough publisher Malibu). For those of you who rode the Malibu wave that was kicked off by totally rad TV spots like this and this you may remember Strangers #5 as the 'team member comes out of the closet' issue.

Then again you may not, because you see unlike other similar issues from other publishers the Strangers creative team of Steve Englehart and Rick Hoberg handle it with skill and elegance. The 'coming out' portion of the story is small, low-key and completely natural. It's treated as a reveal just like any other in our 'getting to know you' journey with these characters.

Let me break it down for you. Multi-coloured Human-Torchy dude Spectral skips out on the rest of the team at the start of the issue to run an 'errand'. Said errand turns out to be visiting a friend in hospital who is dying of Aids. Spectral figures his newly discovered healing powers might be able to do something to help.

When Spectral arrives late to a Strangers emergency call he explains where he has been. That's when resident team loud-mouth, jock, jerk-wad Grenade susses out the situation and lets the cat out of the bag...or in this case - out of the closet:

That's beautiful man *wipes tear*

No variant, gatefold covers, no mainstream media coverage, no double page spreads by the hot-shot artist of the month - just the sincere, heartfelt condolences of a misogynist jerk-ass that proves we can 'all just get along'. Hats off to the always sterling Steve Englehart, for showing how it should be done.

However I know some of my loyal YouAreComic readers out there aren't into all this deep, emotional touchy-feely crap.You want explosions and dudes in tights punching other dudes in tights through skyscrapers.

Don't worry baby, Strangers #5 has a little something for you too - like say a 30 foot tall, super-powered, monster rastafarian who happens to be made of cancer for example. Behold Deathwish:

Geez Charles Bronson has really let himself go hasn't he?

This issue, and the Strangers in general, are a pretty good yardstick for Malibu's Ultraverse universe as a whole. Every book was this sort of weird dichotomy. One the one hand you had some absolutely fantastic, fresh and original high concepts (Six 'strangers' on a cable car are struck with a bolt of alien energy that gives them super-powers) and on the other hand you had some of the oddest, clunkiest character creation decisions this side of Talky Tawny (alongside the thoroughly great Spectral, Grenade and awesomely named Atom Bob the Strangers roster also boasted Lady Killer: a ninja fashion designer with complete mastery over....cloth, Zip-Zap: a teenage, backward-baseball-cap-sporting home-boy with street lingo cribbed from Vanilla Ice and last but not least Electrocute: a sex-robot gifted with the super-human power to think and feel.)

Oh You, Tee Hee Hee

It just seemed that everything Malibu produced, from characters to stories, were equal parts awesome and clunky as hell (with the exception of Barry Windsor Smith's mind-blowing Rune).

That being said I loved them all. From Strangers to Prime, from Hardcase to Manta, from Night-man to the Solution. There is something to enjoy in every single one of those series -  be it the sweet Norm Breyfogle art  in Prime or the far too rare joy of Steve Gerber scripts in Sludge. 

These books hold a special warm place in my heart (right next to the cockles) and I've had a blast re-reading a whole mountain of them during my blogging break.

'We want to have a blast too' I hear you say. 

Well then loyal Y.A.C. readers- let me here the cry: Comic Book Store! Let's Go!

Ah 90s, what were you thinking?

Tyler Stone Says...

So an angry Roman Centurion has just broken into your office and started throwing his brush-headed weight around, what do you do?

Well dudes who dress as Roman Centurions in the year 2099 have notoriously  fragile egos, fail to act as impressed as they would like, and often things can get descend quickly into tantrum-town...

Handy Hint: It's always nice to compliment angry office crashers on their lovely hats.

(Today's snappy dressing was expertly styled by Peter David and Rick Leonardi's criminally under-rated Spider-man 2099 #12 wherein Miguel O Hara gets cock-blocked by a giant laser-gun toting Roman Centurion before accidentally freeing Michael Flatley from the Negative Zone. Thanks at lot Miggy!)

D.I.R. - A Shameful Blight On The Comic Book Industry....

So Women In Refrigerators did a great job of raising awareness about the distressing widespread mistreatment of female characters in the comic-book industry.

But what about that other much maligned minority of the four-colour community...

The Dolphins! The Dolphins!

Won't somebody please, think of the dolphins?

(Today's aquatic decapitation was brought to you by the good folks at L.E.G.I.O.N. '91 #33 by Alan Grant & Barry Kitson. This issue features Vril Dox, the son of Brainiac, asking for fashion advice from a chick dressed in a white leather turtle neck and spandex pants. I guess the brains part of the whole Brainiac thing skips a generation).

BLACK ARTIE IS GO!!

Hey loyal YouAreComic readers. At long last the second official YouAreComic webcomic BLACK ARTIE has launched (as of of last night) at ComicFury.

Here's a sneaky peek:

Now head on over to http://blackartie.thecomicseries.com/ to check out the rest of the first 3 page installment - then come back on the last Wednesday of every month for 3 more pages.

Comments, comments, comments...we are comment-hounds. So be sure to leave us one letting us know what you think.

(Incidentally apologies for the long delay on posts on the trusty YouAreComic blog just recently. I've been busy helping my wife look after our brand new bouncing baby boy. YouAreComic will be back as soon as I dig my way out from under this mountain of stinky nappies!)


Nuff Said.