Justice League 101...

Comic-books are nothing if not a medium of ideas. No other medium in existence comes close to doing the things that can be done in comics. Any idea you can imagine visually can be brought to life in comics. In fact in my experience comic creators are mavericks one and all who live by the edict 'the bigger and crazier the idea the better'. Recently movies have claimed that technology has made it possible to bring anything you can imagine to life on the big screen - but it's not true. If the movie version of Watchmen tells us anything, it's that Hollywood will never have the balls to drop a big, giant, squishy, green, one-eyed, many tentacled, telepathic alien on top of New York.

But comic books did it.

In fact we did it - thirty-five minutes ago.

Tee Hee, I've always wanted to say that.

What's set me off on this 'big ideas' diatribe you ask? Well I've been re-reading JLA #7 from Grant Morrison and Howard Porter's incomparable run on that book.

This thing is like a college syllabus for a class lays out step by step how to take a Justice League story and make it mind-blowingly awesome.

Are you guys ready? Class in session.

You gotta start out right. So you take the Justice League concept right back to basics. It's the greatest heroes of the DC Universe all gathered on one team. So you take the seven big guns and stick them all together and base them some crazy comic-book location. A compound on the surface of the moon? That'll do!

Then you take these guys and give them a threat to tackle. It has to be a threat that can only be handled by a team that boasts two dudes that can bench-press aircraft carriers and one that can surf on the backs of humpback whales.

Having heaven invade earth? Hmm interesting.

Okay but these invading angels can't be of the nice, pious, fluffy-winged, harp-playing variety. These guys should be huge and mean. We're talking big, honking monster angels with rings through their noses, heaven forged weapons made of magic fire, armour made out of eyes and a maybe giant heavenly space-ship that burns anything in touches.

Now you might think that sounds awesome enough as is- that no matter what you do from here you're onto a winner. Not so - this the Justice League - you've got to throw something in the mix awesome enough to have resulted from a situation as wild and crazy as the Justice League versus the Heavenly Host.

Maybe......urm.....have Superman wrestle 'em?

Looks Like A Job For Superman! Get It, Like Job...From The Bible...Dude Who Wrestled Angels? No? Fine. Whatever.

Hold on, don't drift off and think about what you're going to have for lunch just yet. Class isn't over. Sure you've come up with a comic-book concept that is the most awesome thing most regular folks have ever heard of - but this is the Justice League we can't stop there!

We need a sub-plot people. They're the glue that holds comic-books together.

Of course, now that you've dropped angels on top of New York and had the Justice League hit them with giant green boxing gloves and stuff - a regular sub-plot is not gonna cut it. I mean no-ones going to care if Aunt May needs her medicine at this point, you're not going to get any points for having Lois staring out the window in her skivvies thinking about the state of her marriage.

No, we need something that'll compliment our main story. Like Neron and some ugly little demon guys trying to pull of some kind of evil scheme while the feathers are flying.

Let think. Maybe they could be....um....trying pull the moon out of the sky and crash it into the Earth? Yeah that's the ticket.

Of course big crazy comic-book problems like this require big crazy comic-book solutions! I'm sure your first thought was, just like Grant Morrison, to have Superman build a giant electro magnet on the surface of the moon out of pieces of the Justice League Watchtower and power it with his own body in order to use the magnetic force generated to repel the moon.

Hold on a second did I just say repel the moon?

I sure did:

Look Kids: Science

Damn that's some zesty lemonade made out of some serious electric blue comic-book lemons right there.

There's just not enough good things to say about Morrison and Porter's run on the JLA book. It's JLA done as they should be - the biggest and best of the heroes taking on the threats that are so earth shattering in their proportions only these guys can take care of it.

What makes it even more impressive is that he did it all without the benefit of one of DCs patented hair-trigger reboots. I mean three of his big guns are far from at their best. He's not just saddled with Electric Blue Supes, he's also got Kyle 'You Put What In My Refridgerator?' Rayner as Green Lantern and a hook-handed, 80s haired Aquaman! Respect where it's due, even those duds got some great character moments.

That folks, is how great the JLA could and should be done.

New 52? Is that you sleeping in the back? You of all people should be taking notes here!

Sigh - comic book universes today.

Class dismissed.

Stars And S.T.R.I.P.E. And Teenage Spunk...

Believe it or not folks there was time when the name Geoff Johns was not synonymous with dudes getting their arms ripped off or with multi-coloured alien police men and their cosmic mood rings. He was in fact known for spunky blonde teenage cheerleaders in tight spandex short shorts.

Hold on, let me read that back.

Okay that came out a little creepier than I intended.

What I meant to say was 'hey guys did you ever read that great Geoff Johns series that came out from DC a whole buncha years ago called Stars and S.T.R.I.P.E. Man that thing was frickin' awesome'. In my defence it does have a spunky blonde teenage cheerleader in tight spandex short shorts. That's not the big draw though - it's just an obvious ploy to try and bump up my Google search hits.

Bwah hah hah!

Sorry Geoff. Let's talk Stars & S.T.R.I.P.E. #13.

I loved this series and I really could've picked from any one of a dozen issues to tout as fantastic and something you should totally go dig up. However #13 is something special. I remember reading this and thinking that Geoff Johns had cracked open my head, scooped out everything I wanted to see from this comic-book and smeared it all across this issue.

Considering there's a panel on the first page where the two little redneck Clampitt kids are sneaking into Maw and Paw's bedroom armed with a pick-axe and a wheat thresher - this thing had me at hello like a drunk Tom Cruise at a bitter woman's support group:

Ferget The Hogs Paw, This Time Me And Sammy Jo Are Gonna Slop You!

So the reason for the Children of the Corn above is that all of the kids in the Mid-Western United States have fallen under the influence of the snaky and goofily named megalomaniac Dragon King thanks to his orbiting mind control satellite.

Even Courtney Whitmore herself is not spared. So by page three she's already using the power of her sparkly short shorts to kick seven shades of shit out of her bumbling stepdad.

I should point out that the concept behind this book is that average and angst cheer-leader Courtney Whitmore stumbles upon the fact that her mom's new beau was once Stripesy - the questionably dressed sidekick of the Golden Age Star Spangled Kid. This drives her to steal his tech, pull on some spangly biker shorts and fight crime. This in turn forces her past-it new step-dad to don a giant suit of armour he had lying around the basement and place super-chaperone.

That's an awesome concept. I mean it's maybe not as good as whatever verbal voodoo landed 'Melissa & Joey' on our airwaves - but still pretty damn good.

So anyway Courtney's kicking daddy dearest's ass. Her stepdad's Stripesy days are far behind him, so despite the giant, heavily armed mecha-suit he's not much in a fight.

When I started this issue I figured that good ol' Stripesy, in true comic-book fashion, would whip up some sort of convenient doohickey that would break the King's spell on Courtney. However Geoff Johns decided to throw a totally in character curve ball that I didn't see coming.

With Stripesy on the ropes and Courtney in position to drop the death-blow - she breaks out of DK's thrall by the sheer force of will. Even the awesome, globe-spanning, space-based, bleeding edge mind-control tech of scaly and immortal bad guys can stand up the unconquerable juggernaut that is teenage spunkiness:

That's a great moment. Courtney Whitmore is a great character because of moments like this. For all the times she can be infuriatingly immature and obnoxious, there are also moments like this that show her limitless pool of inner strength and compassion.

I'm not sure what colour lantern inner strength and compassion is. I can't keep track of these things. Magenta? Coral? Teal maybe?

Anyway, if defeating super-villains with the power of teenage spunk doesn't do it for you, this issue has another killer moment just waiting in the wings.

Okay, I heard it too. Let's just pretend I didn't say that and move on.

Sooo, Shining Knight (an old golden age buddy of Stripesy and the original Star Spangled Kid) is also in the issue. For me that alone turns the awesome factor up to eleven. I love all those old clunky Seven Soldiers of Victory guys.

However for those of you with no soul, for whom Sir Justin doesn't float your boat let me just say this: Shining Knight versus the Dragon King....in the sky......wait for it......on a winged horse and a frickin' dragon!

Check it out:

That my friends is just good comic-books. I mean sure no-one puts on any anger jewellery that makes them spew blood at their enemies but hell it's still pretty sweet, am I right?

Stars and S.T.R.I.P.E. is terrific series from beginning to end. Sure it plays around with that DC legacy stuff that I'm a sucker for - but even if you don't love the adorable crusties of JSA and their history - there's still a lot to enjoy in this series. It's got delicious teenage melodrama, huge steaming dollops of super-hero hijinks, surprising twists, great character moments and it's packed full to bursting with heart.

That's it from me, other than to say apologies to all those confused Google searchers who got here thanks to my misleading opening paragraph. Don't feel bad, it could be worse. You could've ended up here after searching for 'dean cain spandex'. You know who you are!

Doctor Doom: Always Using His Head...

You want to know why Doctor Doom is the baddest badass in all of the Marvel Universe? It's because he's always one step ahead of his opponents:

When a dude has a contingency plan for how to kick your ass after you've decapitated him - he's not someone you should mess with.

(Today's putrescent punning was brought to you by Amazing Spider-man v2 #15 by Howard Mackie and John Byrne. Elsewhere in the issue we discover the sound that the Latverian Royal Guard make when they mobilise to murder angry peasants is Woop! Woop! Woop!)

Spider-Woman: Tastes Like Chicken...

Damn, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

It's not right man. If I'd been reading Nightstalkers I would've been bracing myself just in case some big dude started pulling out his intestines and strangling people. I would've made sure I was done with the yoghurt before reading Terror Inc - that dude's known for scooping out corpse eyeballs and stuff. Hell even in Doctor Strange stories it's not unknown for a fellow made outta worms to show up, I'm primed when I crack those books open.

But I was reading a usually innocent, barf friendly series I'm really enjoying and then - - BAM:

Ewwwww

Spider-Woman I'm surprised at you, you oughta know better!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'll feel better after I yak.

(Today's gullet gouging action was brought to you by Spider-Woman v2 #3. Elsewhere in this issue teen Spider-woman does - - ugh, I can't go on, seriously I have to go lie down. Damn you Byrne & Sears)

Them Knights Of Pendragon Are Right Bloody Good...

Corr Blimey! That was the most British thing I've ever read!!

I just put down Revolutionary War: Knights Of Pendragon, and ruddy 'ell me ol' china that was right good book that was!

Really? I read that - I didn't get it.

Ah, I'm not surprised in the least my fine American friend. For a start almost all of the characters that appear in this one have only been seen before in Marvel's short-lived, long-forgotten but much missed Marvel UK imprint.

Marvel uk? What the hell's uk? Is that another damn event I'm expected to follow like Marvel NOW?

No, no - not uk. U.K. as in the United Kingdom. Marvel U.K. - get it?

You mean England? They have comics in England?

*SIGH*

Anyway, just because this book is as British as bowler hats and pork scratchings, it doesn't mean that it's awesomeness can't be enjoyed the world over. I mean come on, you don't need to have been brought up on crumpets and cricket to think this is great:

Yup, even the most S.U.V. driving-est of my American readers can agree that there are few things more awesome a comic-book where the bad guys are Zombie King Arthur and his Zombie Knights of the Zombie Round Table.

All the undead Arthur scenes are great. The way he keeps going on about 'Zombie Excalibur' and 'Zombie Camelot' - I was pissing myself throughout. It's universally hilarious and simultaneously yet very, very British!

What? Since when is King Arthur British? Isn't he like the Black Knight's dad or something?

No, no the Black Knight is - - never mind.

If you yanks didn't think the 'King Arthur Hankering For Brains' thing was funny, then there's not much hope for the rest of this blog post. I mean the next thing I was going to talk about was how funny it was how Knights Of Pendragon writer, 2000AD veteran and proud Welshman Rob Williams re-introduced us to each of the characters by helpfully dividing them into the thoroughly helpful and telling categories of 'Welsh' and 'Not Welsh':

No, No, I got that one. Being Welsh is like being a hobbit or something right?

A hobbit? A hobbit - really? Oh my giddy aunt!

Your giddy who?

Never mind, never mind. Let's see if we can pull this shambles together before we it goes completely off the rails. I'm sure everyone out there got the joke in the last scene? Right? You know when the Knights call forth the secret weapon 'The Green Knight'. This guys like the Knight's own personal 'Infinity Man' (if you're a Forever People guy) or 'Mega-Zord' (if you're a Power Ranger guy) - except the Green Knight is empowered by everything that's good, strong, proud, noble and glorious about Britain.

So when he's called forth into modern day London, kinda like Gozer in reverse, he takes the form that best represents all of those positive qualities and emotions in today's British national consciousness.

So of course he shows up as a 30 foot tall Mo Farah:

What? What's wrong? You have a blank expression on your face. Mo Farah! Record breaking, Olympic champion athlete Mo Farah?

I think I know who you're talking about. He's related to that old Charlie's Angels chick right?

No, no he's not.

I think that about wraps it up for today. Revolutionary War: Knights Of Pendragon - a terrific book, reviving a ton of fantastic and greatly missed characters with a ton of action and even more humour. Hustle out to your local comic-book store and snag yourself a copy...

...unless you are American.

Phew, that was hard going. Somebody put the kettle on. I need a sit-down and a cup o' tea. Maybe I'll catch up on how England are doing in the World Cup.

Huh? They did what? By who? So can they still - -

Oh Bugger!

Asgardians Act Like They Don't Know...

The Mighty Thor is sick and tired of all y'all weak ass MCs dissing him on wax:

Midgard For Life Yo.

(Today's bifrostian battle rap was brought to you by Howard Mackie, John Romita Junior and Scott Hanna's sterling Peter Parker: Spider-man v2 #2. Also in this issue a pair of demonic dragons sporting awesome headgear are soundly defeated by the unstoppable power of...Spider-man's pager? Say What??)

52 Week 44 - A Four Colour Kick In The Junk...

So, there I was innocently reading my way through the 52 Omnibus edition, catching up on all of those issues I missed while the comic was coming out.

Then BAM!

An anthropomorphic alligator just straight up eats Amon, Black Adam's obnoxious brother in law and Captain Marvel Junior analogue! I was completely blind-sided! Where in the holy hell did that come from. I thought that weepy, sad-sack alligator was a third-rate Mr Talky Tawny rip-off. In hindsight I should've known due to his distinct lack of cravat-fedora ensemble.

I'm not ashamed to admit I was pretty rattled. I mean I'm not a big fan of gore soaked ultra-violence, but I'm no squeamish priss either. C'mon in this one book I've already been through sleazy cowboy bad guys getting torn in half, over-enthusiastic tween Infinitors getting their heads bopped off and naked Steel! I can take it y'know - just not when it creeps up on me like that.

So I shook it off and started into Week 44....

Holy shit! My eyes! What in the name of Geoff Johns are you trying to do to me?

I'm only four pages in and already we've already a nice tasty close-up of Amon's mutilated corpse, Mr. Scaly Waily (or whatever his name is) complaining about the stringy texture of Black Marvel flesh and Black Adam meting out revenge by way of the dental check-up from hell:

Open Wide

I don't know about you but 52 Week 44 hit me like a kidney punch. What happens to the Black Marvels in this issue is just brutal!

The interesting thing is, up until this point I didn't think I liked, or even remotely cared about, the Black Marvels. Their story has been winding it's way through 52 since the very beginning. From Black Adam as a geo-political Freddy Kruger, to him hooking up with and giving powers to mouthy but smoking hot Khandaqi chica Isis, to them extending their 'family' to include that annoying little prick Amon and his eventually treacherous, but normally droopy reptilian pal.

It's a testament to how good a job Morrison, Giffen, Johns and co weaved their web that instead of being glad to see Amon and his pious, mushy, cheer-leading sister go - this issue and the downfall of Black Adam's new rose-tinted family hits like a shotgun blast.

I mean the fight between Adam, Isis and Intergang's 'Four Horsemen Of The Ill Defined Religion Of Crime' is pretty good as far as super-slugfests go. I mean Adam shoots up the place with a Jesse Ventura mini-gun that he holds like a bazooka -which is awesome...

I Ain't Got Time To Bleed

...but the fight is merely a prelude. It's when Isis falls victim to pestilence that things get real. It's horrible and surprisingly, it's pretty heart-wrenching. Before you know it you're kinda feeling bad for the guy who only a few issue before was tearing dudes in half. It's a pretty impressive feat writing wise - and it really catches you unaware:

Honey, I Don't Feel So Good.

Another thing that stood out about this issue is that this violent and horrific attack on the Black Adam family is a product of the mad scientist convention on Oolong Island. Those scenes with T.O. Morrow, Doctor Magnus, Doctor Sivana, Baron Bug and the boys have been some of the most light-hearted and enjoyable throughout the whole series.

The idea that Sivana's cackling, Egg Fu's bad temper and Baron Bug's constantly malfunctioning nuclear cockroaches could have resulted in these bullet spitting, gross death-germ spewing, scythe swinging and ...um...scaly, bitey ambominations gives that whole storyline a darker, grimier, creepier spin:

Four Horsemen....um Zero Actual Horses

If you haven't already read it in issues as it was coming out I can't recommend the 52 Omnibus edition enough (although when making your purchase I recommend you lift with your legs - it's one big hefty slab of comic books!). It's got the odd clunky moment here and there but all in all it's one hell of a ride!

You won't be disappointed...

...except when you learn Baron Bug's Beserker Cricketron didn't get a spot as one of the Horsemen.

Dude was robbed.



Why YouAreComic Loves: Kraven The Hunter

Three words...

Rooftop Elephant Assault
 

Nuff Said.

  (Today's improbable elephantine action was brought to you by Spectacular Spider-man #251 by JM DeMatteis, Luke Ross and awesome Al Milgrom. Also in this issue, the latest vigilante fashion: shotgun, badass beard and a lion.)

Sometimes The Savage Land Doesn't Suck...

I'm going to be honest right up front, I'm not a fan of the Savage Land. Every time a book sends it's characters to the Savage Land (I'm looking at you X-Men) I have to stifle a groan. I mean c'mon Sauron, Garrok, Zaladane, Magneto: King of the Mutates? Big Fat Yawn! Am I right?

The one exception to this rule is when Spider-man visits the Savage Land. When the web slinger visits it ain't about hypnotic were-pterodactyls or angry shakespearean rocks - oh no. When Spidey hits the land we get J Jonah Jameson versus dinosaurs, we get Gwen Stacy pre-historic underwear model, not to mention Kraven the Hunter and his pet 30 foot alien monkey (and all that awesome happens in one issue: Amazing Spider-Man #201).

With that in mind we're going to gird our loins and talk about one of Spidey's more recent visits to the Savage Land: Sensational Spider-Man #15.

Initially I worried this issue was going to be just another dreary visit to the Marvel 'Land That Time Forgot' homage that won't die. I mean it prominently features everyone's favourite eye roll inducing Tarzan knock-off Ka-Zar for a start. What is it with that guy? His best friend is a sabre-toothed tiger and his wife has the coolest name in the history of comic book jungle gals (Shanna the She-Devil) - and yet he still manges to show up and suck every time.

Sadly, this issue does not deviate from this tradition. The jungle king gets his awesome on by using all his formidable jungle skills and sabre-toothed tiger commanding mojo to give the ruthless, black-hearted villain of the piece....a stern talking to?

I Wanna Talk To Your Supervisor

The black hearted villain in question is an evil Roxxon scientist who is planning to melt some glaciers and flood the Savage Land in order to gain access to the oil beneath it. See what I'm saying? It sounds like a storyline from Dallas (minus the secret pre-historic jungle of course) not a pulse-pounding four colour yarn in the Mighty Marvel Manner!

Fear not, true believers, this is Spidey in the Savage Land. So like a bolt from the heavens a big, honking pile of awesome crashes this snow-capped, tropical yawn-fest in the form of... Stegron the freaking Dinosaur Man:

C'mon other Marvel writers - Stegron and the Savage Land- it's a no brainer. He controls dinosaurs for crying out loud! This guy being the big bad in the Savage Land makes a hell of a lot more sense than Magneto and yet another secret citadel and another band of third rate mutant wannabes.

I love me some Stregon. An evil scientist who turned himself into a big honking manosaur!! That's awesome baby, even if all he ever uses his superior scientific intellect for is hitting dudes with his big spiny tail.

Unfortunately, even with the unstoppable greatness of Stegron standing against them the evil scientists of Roxxon still manage to trigger their Glacier melting whoozit and the Savage Land is flooded.

Luckily Todd Dezago and the late great Mike Wieringo have a mind-bending deus ex machina stashed up their sleeves. The raging flood waters are sucked down a giant sink-hole created completely out of nowhere by the The Incredible Hulk who arrives all of a sudden fighting with a humongous prehistoric chicken!!

Bet You Didn't See That Coming!

I hope the scientific community is paying attention to this one. The solution to Global Warming is right there in the pages of this issue. The sea levels start to rise? Just get a gamma irradiated nuclear scientist with a bad temper and have him punch a giant pre-historic chicken until everything works out right! Bet you guys are kicking yourselves that you didn't think of that.

Anyway despite the presence of Ka-Zar and his Savage Land related nonsense, the distinct lack of flat-tops, alien monkeys and bikini clad co-eds, this issue is still worth a look. Where else can you see a dinosaur man and a really big chicken team-up to save the world?

If you look real hard you might find Spider-man in it somewhere too.

Good Tidings We Bring To You & Your King...

Clearly Santa has been hitting the fireside sherry and the Question didn't get that hobby-horse he asked for:

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

(Today's oddly timed yuletide yuks were brought to you by the critically acclaimed The Question #26 by the legendary Denny O'Neil and the frankly pretty damn good Denys Cowan.& Malcolm Jones III. Also in this issue the Riddler and his new, psychotic, ex-stripper, uzi-toting girlfriend take a bus trip. Festive fun for the whole family!)