Welcome back for another installment of Hali-mony, YouAreComic's merry march through the history of the greatest Emerald Gladiator of them all: Hal Jordan. This week to make up for how much we enjoyed John Stewart in his spot in the Justice League cartoon we're going to slog our way through Green Lantern v2 #2 by John Broome and the mighty Gil Kane. It's going to be a blast.
It's a promising cover for the GL savvy in the audience as we recognize that dude chucking the lightning bolt as a Weaponer of Qward. We love those guys and they've got a great history with GL through the years.
Who knew that that history began with Hal huffing over Carol ignoring him (due to her infatuation with Green Lantern) and being accosted by a weird looking bald alien dude with a telepathic sob story:
Turns out that baldy didn't just wander off the set of the movie Coneheads as we first suspected. Rather he came from the anti-matter universe of Qward. A mean and horrible place ruled by evil-doers and with a society based on the precepts of *gulp*...evil. Turns out he, and a bunch of his weener pals, are sick of all the yucky evil and are going to use a secret, heavily guarded dimensional bridge to escape to our positive universe. Armed with only his wily wits our bald pal, Telle-Teg by name, outwits two lighning-bolt packing guards (who seem to be dressed in a hot-pants based version of a British Redcoat uniform) and escapes into our universe.
Then while he was happily enjoying the sunshine, lollipops and rainbow daffodils that we all take for granted here in our positive matter universe, he was brutally attacked by one of the, infinitely better dressed than their guards, Destroyer Weaponers of Qward.
Tale told Hal uses the old 'I'll just go get Green Lantern For You' routine to ditch baldy, nip to his dressing room, change into his GL duds, charge his ring, take a pee, maybe have a sandwich....then he heads back out to help out Telle-Teg.
He doesn't have to go far to do this as the Destroyer has tracked Telle-Teg down and shows up at the Ferris Airfield! The fiend tosses a super-powerful and conveniently yellow lightning bolt at Hal. Luckily Tele-Teg tackles him out of the way, otherwise our stalwart hero would've been done for - I mean it's not like he could've flown to safety, scooped up a chunk of rock to use as a shield or...y'know..stepped out of the way.
Never mind that now, psyched by his new bald friend's heroics GL puts his game face on and....shoots a green fist at the dude with the big yellow shield:
Dammit! How did that not stop him?
Not to worry GL regroups, turns invisible (because, y'know, he can do that) and snags the befuddled bolt-chucking Qwardian with a power lasso. Job done....except Tele-Teg got killed at some point during the melee.
Dammit!
To honor his deceased baldy pal's memory GL zips off to the anti-matter universe and sees off the Qwardian Detroyers and their questionably dressed guards using a combination of a 'stinging rain of tiny steel pellets' and a football player made of energy. He rescues Telle-Teg's weener friends and brings them home to the positive universe.
Hooray! Then just when you thought to was safe to go back to ogling Carol Ferris, the law-loving Qwardian weeners warn of a Weaponer plot to steal all of the Green Lantern Power Batteries in the universe. Dun! Dun! Dun! Nice foreshadowing Mr Broome - we'll see those pesky lightning-bolt chuckers again!
In our backup feature this time around we're treated to a joyous, celebration of eskimo culture...or a lively jaunt into casual racism...depends how you look at it really...*sigh*.
So Pieface, Hal Jordan's unfortunately named mechanic, is getting roughed up by some thugs who want a piece of a treasure map that had been entrusted to Pieface by his father. Hal steps in and runs the crooks off but not before they steal the map leaving Pieface devastated.
Pulling a total dick move Hal pisses off leaving Pieface to dry his eyes solo, so that he can show back up as Green Lantern and re-create the map-piece with his power ring after plucking its image out of the shocked eskimo's memory.
It's a long flight to the Great White North even by power ring. You'd think Hal, seasoned GL that he is would've thought of that, but since he didn't when he and Pie track down the map-stealing thugs he can't even lasso them because his power ring is out of juice!
In a pair of fun panels the thugs beat the snot out of Hal then encase him in a block of ice using a watering can. I love it!
With his ring running on empty and no hope for escape, Hal makes one last ditch attempt. There may be a tiny spark of power left in the ring - not enough to form a lasso perhaps but surely that tiny spark is just enough to conjure up....a miniature sun.
Ooookay, so the miniature sun melts the ice enough for Hal to escape and beat the living shit out of all of the thugs. Bing, bang, boom justice is served, GL is the winner and Pieface is the sole owner of a fortune packed goldmine!
Back at work the next day Pieface (because you know as sole owner of the gold mine of course Pie was going to be back in his greasy overalls first thing next morning), reveals that Hal's lack of fresh and original moves gave away his secret identity as Green Lantern but that his secret is safe with him.
All is well, everybody laugh, fade to black.
But Pieface, seriously don't tell Batman I blew the secret identity thing okay?
YouAreComic GL Tally:
Constructs Count: 3 Power Beams ,1 Huge Nozzle, 2 Pairs Of Tongs, 1 Giant Hand, 1 Tiny Hand 1 Pair Handcuffs, 1 Vice, 1 Fist, 1 Stinging Rain of Tiny Steel Pellets, 1 Football Player, 2 Lassos, 1 Memory Probe, 1 Minature Sun, 1 Bubble, 1 Map, 1 CompassRandomly Yellow Things: Cavemen, Jumpsuit, Lightning Bolt, Shield
