Superheroing 101: Goons & Guns

Many rookie superheroes come into the business with the same false impression. They believe that they'll spend every day of their do-gooding career fighting spectacularly powered super-villains and putting paid to their elaborate, evil schemes.

Unfortunately the truth is much more mundane. A superhero's career, big-league or otherwise, is made up mostly of small potatoes stuff. Averting every day catastrophes like highway collisions, building fires the odd natural disaster every now and then.

Most superheroes do get the chance to put their fighting skills to the test every now and then but more often than not it's against run of the mill goons rather than flamboyant super-villains.

That is where today's lesson will come in handy. You see 99% of the time you cross swords with goons, those goons will have guns!

Now any superhero worth his salt has nothing to worry about from guns. From mid-range invulnerability to enhanced speed and agility - even the most basic set of super powers provides the ability to dodge bullets. However the average bystander lolly gagging around your battlezone is not quite so blessed.

Therefore disarming goons and learning how to keep gun play to a minimum during your goon-on-good-guy battles is a skill every superhero must master.

There are two important but simple psychological techniques that often work in discouraging goons from using their guns.

1.) Negative Conditioning: this technique involves mentally connecting the gun in the goon's mind to a negative experience. The most simple and straight-forward implementation of this technique is to disarm the gun then pummel him repeatedly with his own gun.

Fig 1: Make the mental connection. Gun=Violent Jawbone Detachment.

2.) Shaming: this technique involves verbally abusing the goon, specifically implying his lesser qualities are in direct proportion to his dependence on his firearm. Often the most effective use of this technique involves suggestions that gun usage is evidence of some kind of innate, negative, effeminate quality.

Of course combining these techniques is the most efficient and effective way to limit goon gun violence and thereby safeguard the lives of rubber-necking civilians.

Fig 2: This fellow won't be playing with guns again in a hurry

Here endeth the lesson.

Good luck out there heroes.

(Today's lesson was sponsored by Marvel's Destroyer #1 wherein our frisky octogenarian protagonist gets completely naked by page 8 - if you like that kind of thing)

Superheroing 101: Battling Banshees...

While she may look ridiculous in her day-glo skeleton suit and chunky voodoo ear-ring ensemble the Silver Banshee is one tough customer. She's given Superman a run for his money any number of times.

If your superheroing in or around the Metropolis area you may be unfortunate enough to run across her. So Supeheroing 101 is here to give you the 411 on how to survive an encounter with the Banshee.

The most important thing you need to know about Silver Banshee is that she can kill you simply by screaming your name.

There are a number of ways you can combat a power such as this:

i.) During the battle you could stick your fingers in your ears and sing 'La La La La La' at the top of your voice. Unfortunately this tatic leaves both your hands occupied and you'll find yourself at a distinct disadvantage in the hand to hand combat department.

ii.) A much more effective idea is to not tell Silver Banshee your name. If she doesn't know it, she can't scream it.

Fig 1: Having your name written on your shirt when battling Silver Banshee is not a good strategy

iii.) If the worst happens and Silver Banshee learns your name and attempts to use her death wail the most effective means of stopping her is by gagging her in some way. Shove whatever comes to hand into her mouth before she can scream be it your cape, your belt, a sock or even...a big rig truck.

Fig 2: The truck gagging technique

Here endeth the lesson.

Good luck out there super-heroes!

(This lesson in super-heroics was brought to you by Supergirl #34 wherein Kara vandalises a baseball diamond and runs away then sends some hate mail to the Daily Planet's Cat Grant. Tsk Tsk Tsk, these kids today, I blame the hippety hoppity music.)