SMUT

That's right people in a flagrant attempt to increase my hits from Google searches I'm going to talk about smut! Actually I'm going to talk about Irredeemable Ant-Man #3 - but that's pretty much the same thing as talking about smut!

For those that don't know Irredeemable Ant-man is the most recent (if not the only) Ant-man series Marvel have come out with. It's written by Robert Kirkman of Invincible fame with art by Phil Hester.

The new Ant-Man is Shield agent Eric O'Grady and the entire basis of the series is that Eric is - - well Eric is a big jerk.

Don't believe me? Well he and his buddy stole the Ant-Man armour from Doctor Henry Pym who they were supposed to be protecting - how about that?

Not jerky enough for you huh? Then how about the fact that Eric's buddy died wearing the armour when the Shield Helicarrier crashed and Eric stole the armour off his corpse and kept it for himself? What do you think about that? C'mon that's a total jerk move.

Still not convinced? This will top it off for you. Eric accompanied Chris's grieving fiancee Veronica to his funeral only to end up almost having sex with her the very next day - - on top of Chris's grave!!Smut! See I told you! Right there - total smut! Ha Ha! Caught you off guard with that didn't I. When I promise smut - I deliver smut baby!

No wait, don't go. Okay okay, so you super-hero fans aren't all about the smut - who knew? This issue has got stuff for super-hero fans too. Honest!

Let's see - - um - - oh yeah I've got it. Super-heroing is all about using your unique abilities to accomplish things regular folks can't. Like using your shrinky Ant-Man abilities to secretly sneak into places without getting caught right?

This issue has got Ant-Man doing just that - check this out:No wait, that was smut again wasn't it. Dammit. There is non-smutty super-hero stuff in this book I swear. Just let me think....

...alright I've really got it this time. Super-heroing is all about rescuing damsels in distress and punching people right? How about Ant-Man stepping in to rescue a battered housewife about to get a serious whupping from her drunken lout of a husband? That's got to qualify as super-hero action right:

Have a look:Boo-Yaa! That's just awesome right?

What do you mean no? You've got Eric giving the dude an ant-sized, super neck punch. You've got a big spurt of blood. What more can you possibly want?

Well bite me asshole, I like it!

Damn prudes!

Manhunter - For The Macho Meathead In Us All....

In today's post I'm going to talk about how great DC's most recent Manhunter series was. Now normally when online comic-book folks are recommending Manhunter to their readers they talk about the great characterisation, the snappy dialogue, the intriguing situations...blah, blah, blah. Not me, I know what my loyal readers like - they like cold beer, comfy chairs, car crashes and explosions!

I'm here to tell you that Manhunter #9 has got car crashes and explosions up the wazoo! (Cold beer and comfy chairs are against the Comics Code so it's B.Y.O. for them I'm afraid).

To prove my point, let's talk car crashes. I know all you folks out there in internet land aren't about just any old car crashes. You're into hardcore Transporter 2 style car crashes!! The kind where you drive your car off of the roof of one building and crash it through the wall of the building opposite!

Manhunter has got you covered baby:Behind the wheel of the truck for this awesome Lee Majors caliber stunt is none other than Merlyn (blackclad, arrow-shooting, Green Arrow wannabee) and Monacle (eyepiece-wearing, all round hoity toity loser). I bet you never thought you'd see the day when you'd be thinking 'that is awesome' about anything involving either of those two slubs!

That's the effect Manhunter has on the villains it features. Copperhead, Shadow Thief, Phobia they all became bad to bone when they were in this book.

Even crusty old Monocle gets his own solo moment of shining glory.Sure Monacle's moment of glory involves his head exploding, but what did you expect - he's a tubby, Doctor Watson lookalike with a monocle that shoots lasers. An exploding head was the only way he was ever gonna be cool.

Car crashes, exploding heads, laser monocles, slutty female lawyers in red lycra these are the ingredients of true comicbook greatness.

Manhunter, my friends, has them all. Pop out to your local comicbook shop and buy it now.

Huh? what's that?

What do you mean cancelled?

Not again!!

You tell 'em Arthur!

The Social Etiquette of Pieface

Hello people, I'm back. In case you haven't noticed I've been MIA from my trusty old blog for the past few weeks. Stupid corporate-work-stuff and a blossoming comic-book project are all conspiring to rob me of my blogging time.

By means of an apology for neglecting all my loyal blog readers out there I give you Storm from the X-Men getting hit in the face with a pie!

Ta Da!

Now I don't know about you but where I come from 'pieface' is not a big enough transgression to warrant unleashing the full force of the elements on the pie-thrower's New York apartment building - but those feisty weather goddesses are a temperamental bunch.

When X-Men leader Cyclops shows up though he's understandably upset. Don't mutants have enough public relations problems without one of them causing a 'lightning storm apocalypse' in Downtown New York, 'pieface' or no 'pieface'! He demands an explanation:Oh those wacky mutants!

I have noticed that this blog is sorely lacking in one very important area - there's not enough booze. I mean what aspect of life isn't improved by a shedload of booze? Comics are no different - so with that in mind I present:

Web Of Spider-man #38 A.K.A. The Drunk Spider-man issue.

That's right folks this issue has so much hard liquor that you'll be convinced Aunt May is Carmen Electra's hotter twin sister!

The fun begins at a party in Peter Parker's apartment. This was the era when a penny-pinching Spidey lived in Mrs. Muggins apartment building (remember Mrs Muggins? She was a fox! No wait...urm...how many beers have I had?)

Anyway Pete's downing his tenth glass of Mary Jane's yummy fruit punch (Pete's a role model for lots of little kiddiewinks so when it comes to alcohol he just says NO! Beating super-villains into toothless, bloody pulp - that's okay. Having a beer - that's a big no-no). Where was I? Oh yeah, Pete's having a right old time of it:Then the phone rings. It's Harry Osborn telling Pete he's gonna be late to the party cos the Hobgoblin is wrecking up downtown.

Oh phooey! Party's over for Pete. He has to get suited up and go kick some gobliny ass!

On his way out the door he realises that he's feeling a bit strange. The world seems a brighter, happier place full of cute puppies, fluffy bunnies and dancing liquor bottles who encourage you to join their conga line. Being a tee-totaller Pete has no idea what's wrong with him, he just knows he feels funky:So off he swings merrily into battle with the Hobgoblin. This was when the Hobgoblin was in his pumpkin bombing prime too - a more dangerous maniac couldn't be asked for.

It doesn't take long for the Hobgoblin to figure out that his foe is off his trolley (the fact that he's slurring like Oliver Reed and smells like a brewery is a dead giveaway). Spider-man is insulted by the accusation and decides to give Hobby a right royal thrashing for it - - but instead he ends up tied up to an electric pylon with his own webs:Luckily Hobby's goblin glider malfunctions saving Spidey from becoming a alcohol-flavoured, spider-smear on 5th Avenue.

It doesn't take Pete long to develop the multiple drunken personalities of a seasoned boozehound. By the time he makes it back to the party he has switched from fun, sloppy, goblin-punching drunk to surly, angry, party ruining drunk:It was that there leprechaun fella there Pete, I saw him do it - the wee bastard *hic* Get 'im!

Hang on - here comes the liquor bottle conga line...

..Come on and do the conga! Come on and do the conga!

Drunk Spider-man roooolllzzzz!!!

Uh Oh *hic* I think I'm gonna hurl...

Star Trek, Hippies and Kung Fu Oh My...

The Essential Iron Fist came out not so long ago, it's a big chunky black and white volume packed full of classic Kung Fu madness. It contains the full Claremont & Byrne run from the original Iron Fist series which includes this little gem - Iron Fist #7.

Since the first issue Iron Fist has been hounded and tortured by a mysterious bad guy known as Master Khan. In this issue they finally come face to face for the first time.

I have to admit to being a little disappointed at first when Master Khan didn't turn out to be Ricardo Montalbán. There were no ear-crawling brain bugs, not a single cry of 'Khaaan!'or nothing. Instead we get an old dude with thinning hair and a snazzy dressing gown who can't decide if he wants to be the Mandarin or Doctor Strange!

Luckily Claremont makes up for ignoring the obvious Star Trek homage by giving Master Khan an awesome origin. Turning him from a typical, power-mongering Fu Manchu wannabee into a kind of tragic figure with understandable motivations who wants to solve his Iron Fist problem by non-violent means:

..and I would've got away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids!

Okay, so we do learn all this during a cheesy, hero-at-my-mercy, super-villain style soliloquy, the kind that Adam West villains loved so much. Still, you gotta love Claremont's ability to get you rooting for the bad guy.

Claremont likes to pack his issues to overflowing, decompression be damned. Not only is this issue the climax of the Khan story-arc, he also kicks a slow-burning sub-plot that he's been building since about issue 3 into high gear. This is the issue where Iron Fist learns for sure that his beloved K'un L'un (mystical Tibetan city full immortals where Iron Fist was taken in and trained after being orphaned) is not the happy pixieland of love and sparkles that he's been led to believe.

Khan reveals to him that the his uncle, mentor and ruler of K'un L'un, Yu-Ti is actually a foul betrayer and co-conspirator in the death of Iron Fist's parents. It's an excellent reveal that leaves us wanting answers. Claremont is the master of sub-plots:That Khan is such a stinker isn't he - of course I still would've preferred him to break out the brain bugs...oh well.

Those bits are great and all but there is another killer moment in this issue that tops them both. It doesn't actually feature Iron Fist at all, it features my favorite member of his supporting cast - ninja chica Colleen Wing.

She's been under the thrall of sonic bad guy Angar the Screamer for the past bunch of issues. He used his 'sonic mindstorm' to coerce her into fighting Iron Fist and God knows what else.

Last issue Iron Fist broke Angar's mental hold on Colleen. As you can imagine she's a little pissed off at the hippie douchebag who warped her brain. All the lovebeads and sit-ins in the world can't save Angar from her slinky, black, samurai-sword toting wrath now:Learn your lesson Angar - don't fuck with a sword-wielding ninja chick wearing her favorite little black number! That's six different flavors of awesome including Rocky Road and Cookie Dough!

That's all the hippie-slashing we have time for today I'm afraid but tune in tomorrow for Prince Namor versus the Mamas and the Papas - there's Atlantean head-cavings galore!

Thunder..Thunder..Thunder....

Let's take a break from talking about great comic-books and great comic-book moments shall we. For a change let's talk about cheese - 100% pure, unadulterated cheese.

Let's talk about Thundercats/Superman #1.

This idea was obviously conceived by some suit in the marketing department in the throes of some fevered wet dream. Next thing you know the powers that be are hiring Judd Winnick to slap together some half-baked story to float this madness and the rest is history.

The half-baked wackiness begins with a half-naked bald chick dropping in on Mumm-Ra's pyramid. Now you'd think being a wizened old mummy with only ugly mutant dudes for company he'd be glad of some female company but the choking and threats of neck-snapping that ensue suggests otherwise:

Damn you ancient spirits of evil! I wanted a blonde!

Anyway, to avoid being throttled Baldy tells Mumm-Ra that she can take him to a second 'Eye of Thundera' jewel in another dimension (Thundercats aficionados know that the 'Eye of Thundera' is the jewel set in Lion-O's sword - the rest of us frankly don't give a monkeys).

So Baldy whips up a dimensional portal and Mummsy and his mutant pals head off into the unknown. What they don't know is that Lion-O and his Thundercat clan have hitched a ride through the dimensional gate with them for some vague reason- they fancied a vacation or something I guess.

*Gasp* shock horror they wind up in downtown Metropolis!

The second Eye of Thundera is on display in the Metropolis museum, and who just happens to be there covering it for the Daily Planet? None other than Jimmy Olsen, Lois Lane and Clark Kent! Convenient huh?

At this point Mr. Winnick just gives up on any pretense of a storyline and just gives the geeks in the cheap seats what they want. Superman on Thundercat action:Once the standard 'misunderstanding that becomes a brawl' has been cleared up Big Blue and his new cat buddies all turn their attention to the gem thieving mutants.

This of course leads us to our second geekgasm moment of the proceedings. Mumm-Ra ditches his funky bandages for his snazzy helmet and skirt ensemble to give us - Superman versus Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living:I know that pulse-pounding Clash Of The Fandoms has set your hearts a flutter so lets' just slow things down for a moment and talk about the one moment of this book that I enjoyed. At the end the bald, half-naked chick that started it all reveals herself to be classic Supes villain Mister Mxyzptlk in drag. The whole Metropolis trip was a diversion so Mxy could steal Mumm-Ra's orbs of power (which isn't as kinky as it sounds, honest). Mumm-Ra is left feeling angry, dejected and a little concerned that he was turned on by a leprechaun in a bowler hat pretending to be a chick:

PSYCHE!

This post is dedicated to my lovely wife. While not a comics fan she has a love for all things Superman that is only surpassed by her odd affection for that wizened old crusty Mumm-Ra.

I saw this book and thought of you.

It's just a shame it sucks so bad.

I had no idea that DC had let Grant Morrison & Mark Millar unleash their patented madness on the Flash title until I recently stumbled on Flash #131. This issue is part two of 'Emergency Stop' the team's first story-arc on the book.

Morrison & Millar are nothing if not idea men (and usually the stranger the idea the more likely that these two will spew it out onto the page). Take for example the villain of the piece in this issue - the Suit!

Hmmm The Suit eh? What kind of character might he be? Some crazy man in a radioactive tuxedo perhaps? Of course not - that's not nearly weird enough for those two freaks!

The suit is in fact an empty super-villain costume possessed by the spirit of a murderer who fried in the electric chair after being apprehended by the Flash.

No really, I'm not kidding, look:

Does my bum look big in this?

Now that might seem like the dumbest idea you've ever heard in your life - and it kind of is I guess - but Millar and Morrison can make anything fly.

I mean who would've thought an empty suit versus Jay Garrick (the Golden Age Flash), Impulse (speedy teeny-bopper from the future) and Max Mercury (zen speedster jackass) would be awesome? Not me, I'll tell you that - but lo and behold:

There's the pitch...

The awesome doesn't stop with the Suit possessing Max Mercury and throwing that annoying little bastard Impulse at a brick wall though. You see the wall in question is in fact connected to a prison which houses a veritable candy store of cheeseball third-rate super-criminals. Now thanks the Suit these losers are loose and only one man stands between them and the destruction of Keystone City -

- Oldest swinger in town, Jay Garrick!

Being that he's like 80 years old and hopelessly outnumbered we could forgive Jay for getting the hell out of there - but oh no he was already a hero back when most of these clowns were all about mommy's boobies.A hero doesn't turn tail and run. A hero stands his ground and acts 'ard:

I'll knock all of yer ballixes in

That's just kick ass isn't it. You gotta love Jay Garrick. You can keep your precious Barry Allen - Jay is without a doubt my all-time favorite scarlet speedster.

Being a Flash book you'd think this issue would suffer from the fact that Wally spends the whole thing out of action in a wheelchair with broken legs - but it doesn't at all. The other speedsters more than make up for his absence.

Hold up! The Flash has broken legs?

Oh yeah, he broke 'em last issue running into a wall. Don't worry he comes back as Golden Flash with a costume made out of Speed Force in this one.

Whaaa? Golden Flash? Speed Force costumes? You're shitting me!

I certainly am not! Go read it for yourself if you don't believe me. It's buck mad I'm telling you!!

It's A Jealousy Thing...

I can't believe I spent a whole post rattling on about Fantastic Four #60 and completely forgot about this killer issue which came out a scant five months earlier .

Okay, so it's nothing more than a super-hero slugfest from cover to cover. Since when is that not a good thing? Besides it's a classic Stan & Jack slugfest built on a great premise.

What 'great premise' you say? Why the classic 'jealous super-hero boyfriend finds other super-hero hitting on his chick' premise of course. When the super-hero boyfriend and second super-hero suitor in question are none other than lump lady-killer Benjamin J. Grimm aka The Thing and cosmic-powered Casanova the Silver Surfer you know glorious super-hero hijinks are in store.

Our story begins with the slinky Surfer getting bored with exploring the Earth and deciding to pay a visit the girl who convinced him to save Earth from Galactus - blind sculptress Alicia Masters.

Now as any true believer knows Alicia is the main squeeze of the ever-loving, blue-eyed Thing himself. In true soap opera fashion Ben arrives at Alicia's place just in time to catch her cozying up to the sexy Surfer!

Ben thinks this is highly inappropriate behaviour and challenges his rival to a gentlemanly duel:Okay okay, he gets pissed and punches him through a wall. Pardon me for trying to add some sophistication to the proceedings.

Anyway, with the gauntlet thrown, we're treated to a fabulous, Kirby rendered, issue-long Thing/Silver Surfer throwdown. It shouldn't be much of a fight really though - I mean the Surfer has unimaginable cosmic power and could turn Benjy into a smoking pile of sizzling orange pebbles as easy as pie.

Course Stan being the devilish rascal that he is made the Surfer kind of a pacifist. He doesn't once take the offensive against the enraged Thing, he keeps on the defensive trying not to hurt anyone. Sure it's a noble and admirable attitude but it's hardly a wise one. Especially when you're fighting with a guy who can punt giant freaking boulders at your head:He doesn't draw the line at giant boulder punting though. You hit on Ben's girl and you can expect to have your shiny cosmic surfboard snapped over his knee and a building dropped on your head.

In the end Reed arrives to find Ben searching through the rubble trying to find the Surfer so the clobbering can continue. Reed puts an end to all the nonsense by getting his jerk on - which he loves to do. He threatens his best friend Ben with physical violence, questions his maturity and points out his grotesque appearance:Geez, why does anybody still hang out with that guy?

FF issues just don't get more fun than this. Stan and Jack were at the top of their game with this one. Irascible and rowdy is the way like our Thing - that's what makes him the idol of millions baby.

Just don't hit on his chick - dude'll drop a building on you!

A Moment of Sensitivity With The Beast....

X-Factor #26 - a great book with a fantastic cover. Check that out - that's Walt Simonson at his best baby!

This issue occurs during a pretty bad time for X-Factor. Over the last bunch of issues they've had their world turned upside down by one disaster after another:
- Their former colleague Cameron Hodge has been revealed as the mutant hating leader of the Right. A nasty terrorist organisation whose smiley-faced, armoured goons have been committing massacres in the name of mutant kind.
- The team have had their mutant-hunter cover blown and have been revealed to the world as mutants with a habit of wrecking the place.
- The Angel shows up alive after his apparent suicide and in the employ of the evil Apocalypse
- Beast having been touched by Pestilence is slowly losing his intelligence with every exertion of his growing strength
- As if all that wasn't bad enough Apocalypse, his enormous spaceship and his four horsemen have decided now is a good time to tear New York City a new asshole.

Issue #26 deals with the aftermath of the team's big battle with Apocalypse. In order to stop him Iceman and the Beast disabled his spaceship headquarters. Unfortunately as a result the damn thing fell out of the sky and decimated half of Manhattan.

Beast and his team-mates have been busting their ass all over the island rescuing people who have been hurt or trapped by the damage caused by the falling ship. Unfortunately no amount of good deeds seem to convince some people that not all mutants are bad:Every man has his breaking point and sometimes the sharp tongue of one over-worked, underpaid New York nurse is all it takes to reach it.

When snoopy, anti-X-Factor reporter Trish Trilby tracks down the Beast in a hospital corridor to thank him for heroically saving her life earlier in the day she finds him broken, huddled in a corner weeping like a little kid.

He cries because of guilt he feels for all the hurt his actions caused his fellow New Yorkers. He cries because he's helpless to stop his slow transformation from witty professor into mindless brute. He cries because every time he tries to help he only succeeds in making things worse for mutants and humans alike:It's a pretty emotional moment. I remember feeling really sorry for Beast the first time I read this. Kudos to the Simonsons, this scene is beautifully written and gorgeously drawn.

This issue has another great moment I have to mention. Ever since he joined X-Factor Scott has been back and forth about his relationship to the newly resurrected Jean Grey. He's still beating himself up about the death of Phoenix and his wife Maddie. But after a night of fighting for the lives and saving the city Jean can't take Scott's indecisiveness any longer:That's beautiful man. It's one of the few moments in post-Phoenix X-history where I actually liked Jean Grey.

Re-inventing the original X-Men as X-Factor was a great way to revitalise the characters after they had been so successfully replaced by younger and edgier characters like Nightcrawler and Collosus in the actual X-Men book. The stories the Simonsons wrote in the those early X-Factor days are the reason characters like Cyclops, Angel and god help us even Iceman are still kicking around in the X-books today.

Okay - that's my sensitivity quota filled today. Now I'm off to sit on the couch, scratching myself, drinking a beer while hogging the remote.

Doom Loves To Surf...

Stan Lee and Jack Kirby's run on the Fantastic Four is legendary and with good reason. It is a run full of high points from the Galactus Trilogy to the introduction of the Inhumans it's packed wall to wall with greatness. One of the highest of those high points in my opinion is Fantastic Four #60.

Straight out the gate we know this issue will be good before we even open it. Why? Two words - Doctor.Doom. This issue jumps the border from good into great in the first few pages though because it doesn't just have Doctor Doom. It's got a Doctor Doom who's brimming with cosmic power (he suckered the Silver Surfer and stole his powers a few issues earlier). As if you're not already drooling let me also point out, this is not just any old cosmically powered Doctor Doom - it's a cosmically powered Doctor Doom gloriously drawn by Jack Kirby. Doom + cosmic power + Jack Kirby = awesome!

Hail to the king baby:

Everybody's going surfing....

My favorite part of this issue is the resolution. Throughout the two FF powerhouses the Human Torch and the Thing have been taking turns trying to take Doom out. When the Thing isn't pounding the shit out him the Torch is trying to turn him into a crispy critter. Every time Doom shrugs them off with his pilfered cosmic power.

With their two heavy hitters out of the game it all comes down to Reed 'the rubber ball' Richards and Sue 'invisible wife' Richards alone against a Doom who can level mountains with a raise of his eyebrow. Things do not look good.

Don't underestimate those sneaky Richards's though. Those two are full of surprises.

They take out Doom with one of the most fiendish and enjoyable double teams in comic book history. Reed needs time for his Doom-beating gadget to arrive so Sue runs interference. Of course Sue's interference involves pelting Doom with little invisible ping pong balls. Unsurprisingly Doom laughs off the ping-pong offensive and thunders down out of the sky to destroy her.

He's laughing on the other side of his face when he hits the invisible mountain she was hiding from him:Hitting a mountain doesn't slow him down for long. Luckily Reed's funky, flying, Cosmic-Doom zapping gadget arrives and well..zaps Cosmic-Doom I guess. We're all a little let down when the fancy-smancy thing he's been building for the last few issues does bugger all.

Getting zapped by Reed Richards gadgets is bound to be annoying. You can't really blame ol' Doomy for losing his temper and chasing after the little doohickie when it zaps him and runs away.

Little did we know that this what sneaky Pete Reed wanted him to do. He chases up into the stratosphere then...That's a Mr. Fantastic I can get on board with. Outwitting the villains using his superior brain not his stretchy long-johns.

Like I said people - awesome. Nobody could ever write a Doom/FF battle quite like Stan and Jack could.