Thursday, 3 February 2011

Only Mother Could Love: Sasquatch versus Sasquatch...


Now that the trusty YouAreComic blog is back to our semi-regular schedule it's about time for the return of our patented 'Only A Mother Could Love' posts featuring comics/characters that get no love.

Last time we got our O.M.C.L. on I was talking about Alpha Flight, and specifically an issue focused on my favorite Alphan and resident midget hairball Puck (I also talked about nuns, nymphomaniacs and superhero skirt slits - which led to this apology...then this apology for the apology. But don't worry my intrepid female readers I promise that I've since learned my lesson). So today I'm going to continue gushing about those four-colour diamonds in the rough...Alpha Flight.

This time it's Alpha Flight #23. Why that issue I hear you ask. Well because this issue gives me an excuse to ramble for a bunch of paragraphs about a dude who accidentally turned himself into giant fuzzy yeti while trying to be the next Bruce Banner and a chick who's half mountie half Canadian demi-goddess.

That's right folks, you may have thought a hairy midget grandpa possessed by a giant, black, Arabian ghost that gives him cramps was cool - but he's got nothing on Sasquatch and Snowbird.

This issue opens like any normal Alpha Flight issue. Some soap opera drama, Puck getting beat up by a girl, Snowbird having a snooze...nothing special. That is until cheesy villain of the month 'Caliber' shows up and starts shooting up downtown Vancouver.

Now let's be honest. Caliber...is not a good villain. He milks what face-time he gets here for all he's worth. He blows some stuff up, spouts some bad super-villain dialogue and generally comes off as a bit of a tool. Then some Alphans show up to put the kibosh on his fun and games.

Things begin to get interesting when the 'kibsoh putting' doesn't go as planned and poor Sasquatch ends up getting shot in the right nipple:

Damn, That Guy's Purple Nurples Are Hardcore!

Sans nipple and understandably upset by it's loss Sasquatch quickly wraps up the whole 'walking-tank-rampage' thing with a well placed punch in the mush. Caliber goes down, peace is restored, evil is punished....job's a good 'un.

Things take a turn for the awesome just a moment later when the Alpha victory celebrations are crashed by a fighting mad Snowbird. She swoops in, turns into a giant artic owl and brutally attacks poor old Quatchie!

Arrggh! My Other Nipple!

With his last remaining nipple gone Sasquatch kinda loses the plot. He attempts to strangle his smoking hot, mentally ill girlfriend Aurora with her stylish scarf and uses skirt-slit sporting chica badass Talisman's own magical mojo against her.

As it turns out,Snowbird's owl-based nipplectomy was not the unprovoked attack it appeared. It seems that when Sasquatch science-geek alter-ego Walter Langowski botched his attempt to duplicate Bruce Banner's Hulk-inducing accident he didn't actually turn himself into a giant fuzzy teddy bear as we all first thought. He in fact weakened the dimensional walls enough to let through Tamaraq, one of the mythical Great Beasts (The Northern God's version of the Greek Pantheon's Titans). Put simply Walter blew a hole in reality and got himself possessed by a giant Canadian Monster God! That boys and girls...is an origin story.

Being how the rest of the team are down and how it doesn't seem fair to make the guy with hairy midget powers fight the extra-dimensional Yeti - it's down to Snowbird to take Tamaraq down. Luckily her Great Northern demi-goddess shape-shifting powers provide her with the perfect solution:

Holy Cow, It's the Albino-ible Snow-man

That's right folks the only way to fight a humungous, megalomaniacal other-worldy Yeti is with a humungous, megalomaniacal other-worldy Yeti.

This issue's awesome-quotient now rockets right off the scale as we're treated to a killer Sasquatch on Albino-Quatch throwdown. Feast your eyes:



Fortunately for the poor citizens of Vancouver these guys are Canadian super-heroes. Unlike their pansy American counterparts these guys all have a little touch of the Wolverines about them. So there's no angsting or bleeding heart 'there's got to be another way' talk.

If you're a giant albino Yeti and you want to stop a giant orange Yeti from wrecking up your city the solution is obvious. You just rip that dimension-hopping punk's heart out with your fuzzy bare hands:


The issue ends with a remorseless Snowbird vowing to hop the dimensional barriers and venture into the Kingdom of the Great Beasts where there will be yet more ass-kicking and heart-ripping. I tell you, those mounties are badass.

Incidentally this isn't the last we see of poor old Walter. He comes back from the dead like all good comic characters do. Of course sometimes he comes as a robot...then other times as a woman...but hey, back is back.

After hearing all this I can understand your confusion as to why no-one read the classic Alpha Flight series back in it's 80s heyday. I mean you weren't getting nearly as many Canadian Monster Gods over in the pages of Spider-man. What were you 80s comic fans thinking?

Anyway I know you're all pulling on your coats to pop out to your local comic-book store and pick up this issue from a 25$ bargain bin so I'll sign off here. But hey, come back in a few weeks time when 'Only A Mother Could Love' will be presenting an epic battle like no other 'Alpha Flight versus Deadly Ernest'...

......no, I'm not kidding, Deadly Ernest really is his name.

Be there or be a Canadian Albino Monster God.
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