Only A Mother Could Love: Marvel Knights - Punisher #1

At my favorite local comic shop when I go up to the counter with an armful of back issues to buy often the proprietor will comment on my "awful" taste in comics. He'll point out that I'm the only person he gets in the place that buys back issues of Power Man & Iron Fist, Thunderstrike, Deathstroke or even my beloved Guardians Of the Galaxy.

So in honour of my horrendous taste, I've decided to dedicate a regular post to talking about comics that only a mother, or the twisted freaks here at YouAreComic, could love.

Comics like the Marvel Knights Punisher revamp. You know, the one where they decided that the best way to shore up sales on the flagging Punisher franchise was to re-invent Frank Castle as a super-natural killing machine!

I can just picture how the meeting where that got decided went.

"Okay guys, we need to do something new and different with the Punisher, get those sales up."
"Well, we could kill him then re-incarnate him as a super-natural character like Morbius. Everybody likes Morbius."
"That's a great idea, we could give him some kooky glowing symbol on his forehead like Doctor Strange!"
"Yeah and a magic trenchcoat full of magic guns!"
"That's awesome, what else?"
"We could have him fight a giant, cybernetic Russian....with big fake boobs!"
"That's sick Ennis, get the hell out of my office."

Okay as premises go it's a pretty clunky one I know but hey, look how well the test pilot with the magic ring that makes giant, green boxing gloves does for himself. This is comic-books people you ain't a somebody until you've died and come back as a supernatural killing machine!

As far as Issue 1 goes. It's mostly setup but I kinda liked it. It takes the clunky dead Frank premise and spews out some interesting ideas. Like the idea that after his death the Punisher would pass into urban legend. Living on in the hopes of the most desperate and hopeless people in the city:

Hail Punny full of grace, lay my enemies to waste.

The alley where Frank 'died' becomes kind of a shrine and his symbol becomes a totem. Something the folks on the lowest rung of society can use to pray for a gun-toting saviour to come and blow away all their problems. It's a pretty cool concept that would've presented some interesting story options in the future.

The mystery behind Frank's return from the dead is also dangled tantilising in this issue. Even Frank doesn't quite know how he died, or, for that matter how he came back. Where did he get his mystical trenchcoat from which he can pull everything from mystical bunny rabbits to luminous flamethrowers? Where'd he get that funky little glowing symbol on his head? Is he dead? Alive? Undead? So many questions!

Although sometimes Frank looks more alive than others:

This proves nothing. Even dead men can't resist a crusty baguette.

I was a little dissapointed when we met the villain of the piece only to find that he looks kind of like a walking chicken goujon with face paint and bat wings. Not only that but it turns out his name is Oliver! What kind of demonic supervillan name is that? I bet Sattanish, Mephisto, Asmodeous and all the other cool kids from hell snicker at him behind his back. To make matters worse he obviously shops at the generic henchman store being that all his lackeys are just bald dudes with sunglasses and pig stickers. What's up with that?

I miss themed henchmen, remember Hee, Ho & Ha from the Batman TV show?

Aside from the fact that when he makes out with angels they burst into flames, Oliver is not a quality bad guy. Especially for a major Punisher revamp! Was Bushwhacker busy or something? Dude can turn into a freaking gun like Megatron for crying out loud.

Don't let Oliver get you down too much though. Writers Michael Golden & Tom Sniegoski saved one final twist to leave us hanging with.

No it's not the Daimon Hellstrom cameo. Although Daimon Hellstrom cameos are always appreciated. Ah Daimon, my love for you and your netharanium trident knows no bounds. He looks especially smug under the pencil of Bernie Wrightson which just adds to his awesomeness.

Anyway what was I saying, oh yes the final twist! Well it involves a dude named Gadriel.

See the half-dead angel that Oliver didn't make out with sends Frank to get the skinny about his re-incarnation from this posh, private-school-boy-looking dude, Gadriel. It turns out, as if you hadn't guessed already from his name, that he's an angel too. A little gentle persuasion later, he reveals his shocking link to Frank's past:

Gentle Persuasion Technique #1: The Brooklyn Handshake

As twists go that's pretty great. We're left hanging one page later with Gadriel staring down the barrel of Frank's luminous uzi wondering if he'll pull the trigger.

All in all once you get over the indignation of the whole 'dead Frank' angle it's a pretty enjoyable issue. It's one part hard-boiled Punisher action and one part supernatural engine of destruction wackiness. It got me coming back for the next issue.

It's not a decision I regret either because next issue Daimon Hellstrom graduates from cameo to fully fledged guest star!

Tridents and pentragrams ahoy people! Prepare thyself for awesome!

At The Annual Super Villan Cook-Off...

Sadly despite his enthusiasm Brother Grimm's Dryed Thespian Surprise failed to topple Doctor Doom's champion Latverian Peasant Pie for the grand prize.

Should've stuck to Martha's recipe BG.

(Today's culinary comedy was brought to you be Spider-Woman v1 #3, wherein we learn that Congressman James T. Wyatt sleeps with a forty five under his pillow, wears vomit-green jammies and refers to his secretary as a bumbling sycophant. Who votes for these people? It's no wonder the country is in the state it's in.)

Legion Love: Adventure Comics #862

I know it's a cliche for a comics blogger to say, but I love the Legion of Superheroes. It's not my fault though! Regular readers of YouAreComic will know that when it comes to comic-book wackiness I'm a grade A sucker. So it's hardcoded into my DNA that I'll like the Legion. I mean they're a group of teenage super-heroes in the 30th century inspired by the world's biggest boy scout to engage in Sex-Pistols-esque rebellion against the crusty old powers-that-be! Plus they have names like 'Bouncing Boy' and 'Karate Kid' for crying out loud!

How can you not love the Legion.

That being said there is one thing that's 100 times better than even the Legion.

That my friends, is the Legion of Substitute Heroes!

Whoever came up with the idea of the Subs is a peerless genius of comic-book wackiness. Take every wacko with powers too wild, too crazy or just too damn dopey to get them on the team alongside luminaries such as 'Matter Eater Lad' and 'Shrinking Violet'. Band them together in a utterly useless but thoroughtly hysterical fighting force and watch the hijinks ensue.

It's a winning formula that never fails. So there was no way Adventure Comics #862 could do anything but kick ass.

I was already loving the Superman/Legion storyline Geoff Johns had going on, but when part five rolled around and he handed the limelight over to the Subs I crossed over into comc-book nirvana!

My favorite Sub of all time really gets a chance to shine in this issue. I am of course talking about the grandmaster of granite, the emporer of inertia, the one, the only - Stone Boy:

Up Yours Roy!

Finally an answer to the age old question. What can one man do against such mighty foes as Gold Boy (tee hee), Eyeful Ethel (tee hee hee) and Radiation Roy (BWAH HAH HAH!), when his only weapons are his power to turn into a statue and a stolen school bus!

If this scene does not cement Stone Boy's place as your favorite Legionaire of all time then clearly you have no soul. I mean c'mon when was the last time Cosmic Boy or Shadow Lass knocked a big honking dent in thier tin-plated enemies while sassing them with obscene hand gestures?

Now I know Stone Boy's non-vocal obscenities alone make this issue a must-buy but our buddy Geoff Johns decides to spoil us by having everyone's other favorite Sub, Chlorophyll Lad utter the best line in the book:

The ferns cry out for retribution, tee hee hee

Sure power-wise Chlorophyll Lad is just like a million other 'plant-guys' out there in comic-book land. What sets him apart from squares like Plantman and the Gardener is that CL thinks he can talk to plants...when actually he can't. Every fern he hears crying out for retribution is in fact just a little voice in his head. That is makes Chlorophyll Lad the clown prince of comic book wackiness! What super-team wouldn't be made better by a member who may be distracted in the heat of battle by a chatty ficus? I hope any would-be Avengers/Justice League writers out there are taking notes.

A few notable Subs are missing, like Infectious Lass and Porcupine Pete, but all those that do show up in this issue get their moment to shine. From Rainbow Girl clocking Eyeful Ethel to Fire Lad melting Gold Boy into mush, I ate up every second.

Of course nothing quite topped Stone Boy sticking it to Radiation Roy. I can't get enough of those guys, let's see some more:

Nyah! Nyah! Screw You Roy!

That's so great. I swear I laugh out loud every time I see that scene! C'mon DC make with a Stone Boy vs Radiation Roy limited series already! That would be awesome! You know I would buy it!

In all seriousness though, this issue was fantastic. The main non-Subs part of the issue is every bit as cool as the madness described above. The story thus far is that Earth-man, a bitter Legion reject, and his other jerkass Legion reject cronies have convinced the world that Superman's alien origin is a fraud and turned the people of Earth against all aliens. In the process they've made the Legion public enemy number one on Earth, and the Earth public enemy number one in the rest of the universe.

The action gets kicked into high gear at the end of this issue when the currently powerless Superman (due to some doohickey using the captured Sun Boy to turn the sun red) finally confronts Earth Man alone.

Being that Earth Man has the super-powers of all the Legionaires combined and Supes has all the powers of a bumbling, bespectacled Daily Planet reporter, you might imagine that this will be quite a one-sided battle.

You'd be wrong:

When Supes says 'let's take this outside' he's not fooling around

People tend to forget that before he was Superman Clark Kent came from Kansas, a land were toothless, beer-swilling, redneck hicks like to beat seven shades of shit out of one another in twice nightly bar-room brawls. A place where even little girls with pigtails will drop a goddamn house on your witchy ass if you tick them off. Earth-man is about to learn you can take the kryptonian out of Kansas but you can't take Kansas out of the kryptonian!

It's a killer cliff-hanger tp leave us hanging on, and believe me the conclusion issue does not dissapoint. Geoff Johns did a stupendous job on this storyline. If you haven't read it already you should definately go pick up the whole shebang - this issue is just the tip of the quality iceberg.

In other news, congratulations go to Radiation Roy who beat out previous title holders Paste Pot Pete and Ice Box Bob to be named 'Best Named Character of All Time'.

A Life Lesson With Awesome Andy

Awww, why the long face pal?

It's because you can't get a date? Why not?

Girls don't like you because you're a seven foot android with funny-coloured skin and a huge mishappen head?

So what? That doesn't stop Awesome Andy!

What do you mean 'who the hell is Awesome Andy'?

Why Awesome Andy is the Mad Thinker's Awesome Android of course. He's awesome, but he's also a seven foot tall android with grey skin and a huge featureless head shaped like a cinder block. As you can see Andy doesn't have any problems making time with the ladies. Check it out:

Chicks Dig Awesome Andy

Of course it could be just because he's awesome.

(today's life lesson was brought to you by 2006's She-Hulk #9 wherein Shulkie get's hitched to her beau John Jameson shotgun style inspiring nine seperate spit-takes from a veritable who's who of Marvel Universe celebs from the Two-Gun Kid to the Wasp to old prune-face himself, J Jonah Jameson )

Why Cyborg Superman Doesn't Do Panto...

He takes the 'He's Behind You' bit way too seriously

(today's dose of cybernetic brutality is courtesy of Adventures Of Superman #503 wherein Roxy Leech offers to show Superboy how to use his 'joystick' better. Instead he decides to go to Coast City and have Cyborg Superman hit him with his cybernetic fist, then with an uprooted tree then with a really big rock.)

Wonder Girl versus Air Force One...

The sheer volume of 'big event' mini-series/crossovers coming from Marvel and DC recently has meant that I've had to choose between the stuff I really want to read and the stuff I let fall by the wayside. One of the things I took a pass on was the whole 'Amazons Attack' hoopla. As it turns out a lot of people didn't care for it much anyway which is surprising considering it's by Will Pfeifer the writer of the never less than awesome (and recently cancelled - damn you DC!) Catwoman series.

Anyway recently I saw Amazons Attack issue 4 in the bargain bin of my local comic shop and I thought what the hell. So I bought it and read it completely out of context. Luckily my crazy twenty five pence gamble paid off - the issue was pretty damn good, a lot better than I was expecting. I had been misled! Out of all of the reviews of the series I read, a grand total of none bothered to mention that issue 4 features a titantic, never-seen-before battle of epic proportions: Wonder Girl versus Air Force One!

Check it out:

I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to step out of the vehicle sir

So Queen Hippolyta and her Amazons have invaded the US toasting the capitol and a few other major cities. Sensibly the powers-that-be have decided the president should get the hell out of dodge aboard Air Force One.

Unfortunately, somewhere over the Cheese State, they run across Cassie getting her inner-traffic-cop on.

Surely Cassie, like the rest of us, has watched enough Kevin Costner and Michael Douglas movies to know that when somebody threatens the President the folks assigned to protect him tend to get a little crazy. They're willing to go to extreme lengths to protect their boss.

Like say shooting an unarmed teenage girl in jeans and a belly top with an anti-aircraft missle for example:

Look out for that....Never mind

Why-oh-why the military of the DCU still think shooting at a chick wearing any variation of a Wonder Woman costume with a missle will do them any good at all is beyond me. These guys live in the same world as a guy who can juggle tanks and swallow grenades for crying out loud!

Anyway it's mere second before Cassie shrugs off being hit by a missle, trades her inner-traffic-cop for her inner-Kofi-Annan, and brokers a peace-deal using an unorthodox but highly effective negotiation technique.

Let us all bask in the joy of Amazonian diplomacy in action:

Peanuts? In-Flight Magazine? An Asskicking?

Take note world leaders! If you want to bring peace to a war-trn nation simply shoot their leader's plane with an angsty teenage girl and have her threaten him with a savage beating.

Cassie's foreign policy expertise might have ended the whole Amazonian invasion right then if not for the ill-timed Amazonian war-party who show up armed to the teeth and decide to take on a jumbo jet and it's military escort on their flying horses. Kind of a one-sided battle. The cutting edge weapons of the president's elite US Air Force planes versus a bunch of chicks dressed in armour, riding flying horses, toting swords and spears.

Chicks on Flying Horses 1, US Air Force 0

This was a great issue, it was a blast to read. I enjoyed it so much that I'm tempted to go out and hunt down the rest of the series bad reviews be damned! At the very least it's bound to deliver more Supergirl plane-catching, more Wonder Girl aging-world-leader-intimidation, lots of scantily clad chicks on horseback and all the Amazonian girl-on-girl action a growing boy will ever need.

Plus if I know Mr Pfiefer, the man who had Silver Age fop Angle Man stab Catwoman in the brain with a set square, he's bound to have some surprises in store along the way.

Perhaps even the long overdue, modern-age reimagining of the most awesome Wonder Woman related character who ever lived: Wonder-Tot!

Although probably not.

Who's Badass...

If you are, like myself, someone who frequents the plethora of comic blogs floating around on the internet these days then you undoubtedly already know the 'Super-hero-badass-quotient' equation.

For the laymen out there that don't know the equation basically states that a super-hero's badass-quotient (that being just how badass said super-hero actually is) is directly proportional to the size, viciousness and dangerousness of the wild animals that he or she has punched.

Take for example Marvel's favorite gun-toting vigilante: The Punisher. Unfortunately being an urban vigilante means your chances to improve your quotient are few and far between. However, pragmatic Frank is not above putting on his winter woolies going down to the zoo and getting his badass on.

That's pretty badass sure, but it's not a patch on the star-spangled Avenger, Captain America. He made Frank look like a pantywaist by giving a knuckle sandwich to the sea's and the Brody family's deadliest predator.

Over at DC, despite their impressive powers and legendary status, their superheroes just can't seem to compete with the kind of badassedness coming from even Marvel's non-powered heroes. I mean Daredevil fought the Mandrill DC, I don't think Captain Marvel pounding on a wizened, old chimp in hot pants is going to cut it, criminal or otherwise.

Don't even get me started on Superman.

As impressive as bear-fighting and shark-socking might be I'm afraid the most impressive super-hero-badass quotient goes to the Avenging Son himself. That's right forget your Supermen and your Sentinels of Liberty - Namor the Prince of Atlantis is the most badass super-hero walking the earth. No-one can top him simply because...

Dude punched a freaking elephant!!

You can't argue with science folks.

(all my links today come courtesy of the internet's number one authority on hero-vs-wildlife action Chris Sims and his Invincible Super-Blog. Namor's pachyderm-punch is from Marvel's Super-Villan Team-Up issue 8 wherein we learn that the Ringmaster and his Circus of Crime like to vacation in Latveria during the hot months.)

A Synthezoid Fashion Faux Pas...

The Vision does NOT like it when you borrow his clothes without asking

(for more cape-theivery-come-uppance read Avengers v1 issue 156 wherein the Avengers, Doctor Doom, Namor and the Whizzer all team up to battle the wardrobe-raiding fiend Attuma.)

Who Dares Challenge Doom?

I have a general rule of thumb. Any comic that prominently features Doctor Doom is 90% of the time going to be awesome. So as you can imagine I'm a sucker for those solo Doom stories in the early issues of Astonishing Tales. Old Larry Lieber (Stan's brother no less) doesn't disappoint, giving us tales of Doom being ruthless, evil and thoroughly cool. However with Doctor Doom as your protagonist you inevitably face a dilemma 'who is tough enough to cross swords with the Marvel Universe's number one bad guy'? It can't be the Fantastic Four or the Avengers again and again, but a face-off against Rhino or The Shocker just isn't gonna cut it. I mean once you have him summon up the devil and yell 'I AM DOOM!' in his face (which is just what he did in Astonishing Tales #8) where is there left to go?

Who is bad ass enough to take on Doctor Doom?

It's got to be someone who has the charisma to convince the Latverian peasants to strap on their jet-packs take up their ray guns and throw off the shackles of oppression. It's got to be someone with the balls to meddle in the creation of Doctor Doom's most unstoppable android ever - the Doomsman. It's got to be someone with the fashion sense to steal 'the-goldfish-bowl-for-a-head' look made so very popular by super-villain fashion diva Mysterio.

In Astonishing Tales #8 Larry give us the answer. It's got to be the Faceless One!!

Never heard of him eh? Don't worry about it, just take it from me that he's bad to the bone. Look at this picture (rendered in sumptuous Wally Wood art) of the Faceless One trying to wrest mental control of the Doomsman away from his master:

Okay, you call the Doomsman, then I'll call the Doomsman and we'll see who he comes to.

Obviously in order to be a worthy foe to Doctor Doom you can't just cause an uprising amongst his subjects, you can't just steal his best toy,you can't be just like all those millions of other goldfish bowl wearing Mysterio knock-offs that are wandering around out there. You have to have a secret weapon.

A secret weapon that is so shocking it will amaze and disturb not just Doctor Doom, not just his Doomsman but all of the cynical jaded fanboys of Marveldom Assembled.

A secret such as:

Oh My God! He's just a goldfish bowl with legs!!

Okay, okay, I know you're freaking out, but everything's okay, calm down. It all works out in the end. Doctor Doom exiles the rebellious Doomsman to another dimension and sticks it to the jetpack touting malcontents invading his castle reaffirming his iron grip on Latveria. All is well. Doom is supreme.

Oh No, wait! He forgot about the Faceless One!:

Geez, you'd think Castle Doom would have an elevator

Take note all would be dictators out there in the audience. If your arch-enemy reveals himself to be a goldfish bowl with legs don't leave him to scuttle about your lair unattended while you go to put down a filthy peasant uprising and banish your evil android lackey to another dimension. That's just going to give him the precious seconds he needs to find your master control room!

Or maybe he'd just go looking for the little goldfish bowl's room. Whatever.

Booster Gold in Monkeyface Scandal...