Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Aquaman: Get It Straight DC Readers I Don't Suck....


Okay it's official Geoff Johns has been reading my blog and he's pissed! I'll admit over my years blogging here at YAC I've had a little bit of fun every now and again at Aquaman's expense (see here and here for example). It's all in jest though, I'm as much of an Aquaman fan as the next guy.

That's why with barely a smug snicker I picked up Geoff and Ivan Reis' Aquaman #1 from DC's new 52. I mean Arthur was on the cover doing his very best tough guy face with his specially polished trident and everything - how could I not.

So I was merrily reading, waiting for Aqualad and Black Manta to show up and start up a game of Atlantean baby keep away, then all of a sudden it's a whole new ball game.

Art shows up in the middle of a city, with nary a puddle or fish tank in sight, and foils a bank robbery - just like a real super-hero! He stands in the middle of the road and tosses those punk ass creeps who dared refer to him a 'tuna-man' right up over his head with his golden trident.

However it's not until one of the creeps has the audacity to try to shoot him that shit gets real:
Holy Mackeral! He's Bulletproof!

No-one make Aquaman bleed his own blood! Biggety Bam! Robber dude gets rightfully pitched straight-through an oncoming police car's windscreen! Seriously people, if you can be that badass while dressed in green lycra leggings and an orange, chainmail T-Shirt you know you've reached Dirty Harry levels of bad-assery.

So having reminded us that Aquaman has all sorts of awesome super-powers that don't in any way involve seahorses Geoff decides to slow things down. Art visits a local eatery that his late father used to take him to when he were just a shrimp - oops I mean slip, of a lad.

Awwww. Sure he can juggle speeding heavy good vehicles with his trident but he also has the warm, loving heart of a poet too.

He pulls up a chair, peruses the menu for a moment, then orders:

Hold the phone! Aquaman does not talk to fish? That's one hell of a bombshell to just drop on us in the middle of a nice dinner at a seafood restaurant. As first dates go this one ranks up there with that time Superman showed on my balcony and started ogling my pink panties through my jim-jams!

Alright Geoff, you've beaten us into submission. Aquaman is bullet-proof, super-strong, has a big pointy stick, perfectly coifed hair and does not - repeat does not talk to fishes. We will doubt no more. We repent and submit - please, what more can we take?

That's Right: Aquaman Gets Ladies!

Take that all you homely, basement-dwelling, blog-posting, message-board trolling, Arthur-hating fanboys! Aquaman #1 ends with Art getting his moonlight mack on with a smoking hot redhead on the rocks beneath a romantic lighthouse. Oh yeah baby!

How you like Aquaman now huh?

Oh yeah, and this one time he had a big hook for a hand!

And this other time he had a hand made of magic water!

Aquaman is awesome! Suck on that bitches!
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